Watching Hallmark while the world burns

Vintage: Hallmark, 2022 Summary: Sarah is a children’s book author who returns to her hometown, where she reconnects with her family and Travis, her teenage crush. She soon discovers that a long-held family legend might actually be true. Cast member prestige: Our lead actress is Sarah Ramos, who I know as Haddie Braverman from Parenthood but who now also does some kind of performance art on TikTok and curates photography exhibits of her childhood snapshots with celebrities. Also featured: Marilu Henner, who we last saw in Love on a Limb . We open on a book shop in an anonymous Big City, where our heroine Sarah Grace is reading from her bestselling children’s novel Isabella’s Kismet Cookies in front of a rapt crowd of children in matching cosplay. The camera zooms in and we see that the book in question appears to feature two heroic children fighting some kind of giant sea creature. There are oversized cardboard standees, none of the children in the audience are screaming, and none of ...

Vintage: Hallmark, 2022. Summary: Amy, an up-and-coming novelist, returns to her hometown to look after her stubborn grandfather Tom and his pumpkin-themed store while confronting an old flame from her past. Cast member prestige: The two romantic leads were basically born and raised in a Hallmark factory, but the Stubborn Grandpa Who Maintains a Bizarre Attachment to Fall character is played by Michael Ironside, who is apparently famous (?) although I don’t recognize him. IMDB tells me he was in Top Gun and like seven episodes of ER, so. Action: First off, what you need to know is that this feature film takes place in a town called Autumnborough. I feel like once you learn this information, you have a couple of options available to you. One: you can fight it, shake your fists at the sun, shout that this is simply too much to bear, take to the streets, send an email to corporate. Or two: you can nod, take a sip of your beverage, and listen to the song of your heart saying yes, yes, this...

Vintage: Hallmark, 2015 Summary: Lindsay has to make a tough decision: stay in her small hometown and marry longtime beau Jason, or accept a once-in-a-lifetime job teaching at an Ivy League college thousands of miles away. Fortunately, a magical messenger gives her a priceless Christmastime gift: Lindsay is instantly transported three years into the future, so she’ll be able to make the decision today that will be best for her future. Cast Member Prestige: You all aren’t ready: this movie has SHATNER. Action: Before we get started, I need you to know that I spent one American dollar and 99 American cents to watch this film, solely because the president of my workplace’s Board of Trustees, a brilliant retired educator and woman for whom I would walk over hot coals, texted me that she and her husband were watching it and having, and I quote, “a fine time.” Our story opens on protagonist Lindsay, a psychology professor who is delivering a lecture in a dimly lit and overpopulated lecture h...

Vintage: Hallmark, 2010. This film is an elder statesman and deserves your respect. Summary: An urban family that can’t seem to get along gets stranded in a remote, impoverished lumber town two days before Christmas. When they become involved in the town’s home-grown Christmas pageant, they not only help solve the town’s problems but learn to connect with each other just in time for the holidays. Cast member prestige: Family matriarch Annie Benson is played by Lauren Holly, arguably best known for her fine work in my father’s favorite movie, Dumb and Dumber . Those in the know, however (meaning me and Laurie and no one else) recognize and celebrate her role as the ballet school headmistress who sleeps with her students in Netflix’s adaptation of the YA book Tiny Pretty Things . Family patriarch Charles Benson is played by a Canadian named Rick Roberts. Action: We open on a car navigating a snowy mountain pass. The car’s passengers, the Benson family, are on their way to a Colorado ...