Watching Hallmark while the world burns

Vintage: Hallmark, 2020 Hallmark-approved summary: When Melody’s neighbor, Nina, learns that her illness has returned, Melody promises to keep Nina’s kids, Holly & Ivy, together. To adopt the children, she must renovate her new fixer-upper, which she does with the help of contractor, Adam. Actual summary: Finally, children’s librarians get the Hallmark movie we deserve. Cast member prestige: Adam is played by Jeremy Jordan, who I know and love from the film adaptation of the musical The Last Five Years. He is also known for performing a life-alteringly dramatic  cover of Celine Dion’s “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now .” You’re welcome. Melody is played by Janel Parrish from Pretty Little Liars, and Nina is played by Marisol Nichols from Riverdale. Pretty solid, all around. The basics: Spunky li’l Melody is moving into her new home in Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin, having just earned her Master’s Degree in Library Science from the University of Wisconsin, Madison. Excellent program, ...

Vintage: Lifetime, 2018 Lifetime-approved summary: When Holly returns home for Christmas expecting the same as any other year, she’s blindsided to learn her family’s department store is on the brink of foreclosure. To keep the business going, Holly fills in as Santa’s Helper and meets the surprisingly young and handsome Nick, who has been hired to play Santa at the store this year. Their undeniable chemistry and charisma draw in big crowds, until suddenly, Nick disappears. As Christmas day inches closer, Holly scrambles to find Nick with only one clue – his misplaced black boots. Actual summary: The boots are irrelevant. Cast member prestige: A decent amount, actually. Our main characters are played by Megan Hilty, who starred in “Smash,” and Noah Mills, who starred in a short-lived NBC drama called “The Brave.” Secondary character Holly’s Grandma is played by legendary actress (and Illinois native) June Squibb! Action: Holly, an executive at a Seattle activewear company, is a Busy W...

Vintage: Hallmark, 2010 Hallmark-approved summary: A wealthy, successful corporate lawyer is living the high life in New York City with little time for anything except her lavish lifestyle until a close encounter with a bizarre mystic drops her into an alternative reality to see what her life might have been like had she made different choices. Actual summary: Melinda takes it personally. Cast member prestige: Our female lead is Jo from Melrose Place, the “bizarre mystic” is Academy Award winner Faye Dunaway, and I couldn’t enjoy ANY of it because I was clouded with rage throughout the entire viewing experience. Action: I wanted to watch a Thanksgiving-themed film for you people. It was the worst. I can’t even bring myself to write a full recap. So what I’ve prepared for you instead is this list of Five Moments of Movie Misogyny, each paired with a story about something awesome Beyonce did once, as a palate cleanser. The premise of the film is this: Claudia is a New York City lawyer, ...

Vintage: Hallmark, 2017 Hallmark-approved summary: When a best-selling author decides to escape the media frenzy, her plan goes awry when she’s caught in a thunderstorm and crashes her car. Found wandering with no memory and no ID, the town doctor (and a single dad) offers up his guest house until her memory returns. But as she blends seamlessly into their family life, she must decide if the life she's been living is the life she wants. Actual summary: Medical Malpractice: The Musical! Cast member prestige: You guys. I watched this ENTIRE MOVIE without realizing that the female lead is the woman who played Casey in Pumpkin Pie Wars. So massive is my loathing for Pumpkin Pie Wars, my mind erased all knowledge of it. The male lead is Benjamin Ayres, a well-sculpted Canadian who was in both Saving Hope and Suits. Hallmark Man Does Hallmark Job: Dr. Jeff Callan is the one and only doctor practicing medicine in the town of Hopedale Vermont. He owns a canoe. Action: Our heroine Angela Yo...