A Family Thanksgiving

Vintage: Hallmark, 2010

Hallmark-approved summary: A wealthy, successful corporate lawyer is living the high life in New York City with little time for anything except her lavish lifestyle until a close encounter with a bizarre mystic drops her into an alternative reality to see what her life might have been like had she made different choices.

Actual summary: Melinda takes it personally.

Cast member prestige: Our female lead is Jo from Melrose Place, the “bizarre mystic” is Academy Award winner Faye Dunaway, and I couldn’t enjoy ANY of it because I was clouded with rage throughout the entire viewing experience.

Action:

I wanted to watch a Thanksgiving-themed film for you people. It was the worst. I can’t even bring myself to write a full recap. So what I’ve prepared for you instead is this list of Five Moments of Movie Misogyny, each paired with a story about something awesome Beyonce did once, as a palate cleanser.

The premise of the film is this: Claudia is a New York City lawyer, about to make partner at her firm. She is happy and successful and expresses not an iota of wistfulness or regret over prioritizing her career. Therefore she must be stopped. She is visited by a “transpersonal psychologist” named Gina who magically transports Claudia into an alternate reality where she has zero career but DOES have a husband and two kids. Claudia thought she was happy before, but she knows better now.

Movie Misogyny Moment 1. We are introduced to Claudia as she capably completes her weekday morning routine -- working out, going over her schedule on her phone, and grabbing coffee. She arrives at her office early and chats with the doorman, telling him that the partners asked to meet with her this morning to deliver some big news. The doorman, inexplicably, says, “Maybe a marriage proposal?” Claudia responds with “I did not graduate from Harvard Law at the top of my class to get married and live in the suburbs!”

Because, see, it’s one or the other. Lady lawyers are single, working women hate the suburbs, and married ladies didn’t go to Harvard, that would be a waste of money, do you get it? I want to make sure you get it. Also: why on EARTH would the partners be proposing marriage? 

Here’s Beyonce at Coachella. Beyonce was the first Black woman to headline Coachella, performing her insane two-hour set only months after giving birth to twins (during a pregnancy in which she had high blood pressure and preeclampsia). To get in shape for Coachella, she cut out dairy, carbs, alcohol, and more, all while raising two infants, reportedly breastfeeding the twins in between rehearsals.

Movie Misogyny Moment 2. Claudia’s boss assigns her to a major client account, promising her that if she wins the case she will be made partner. Only problem? The case goes to court on Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, and Claudia is supposed to go visit her sister’s family for the holiday. Claudia calls her sister to cancel, on account of having just been offered the chance to earn a life-altering promotion. Her sister, upon answering the phone, says to her small-babe-in-arms: “Oh, it’s your Auntie Claudia -- the one who sent you a Harvard sweatshirt instead of coming to see you when you were born.”

So you’re saying she took time out of her day to send you a nice gift, then? Sharing a piece of something that’s personally meaningful to her with your newborn to mark the significance of the event? Got it. How shitty of her.

Here’s Beyonce giving a philanthropic speech. Did you know that Beyonce donated her entire $4 million salary from the film Cadillac Records to a drug rehab center called Phoenix House, after spending time getting to know some of the center’s female patients? Well, she did. 

Movie Misogyny Moment 3. Gina, the “transpersonal psychologist,” ambushes Claudia after her meeting with the partners and begs for 15 minutes of her time. Claudia acquiesces and lets Gina ride along with her in the back of the towncar to her next appointment. Gina congratulates Claudia on her new opportunity, then asks “But who are you going to celebrate it with?” Instead of opening the car door and pushing Gina out onto the street, Claudia responds that she doesn’t need anyone to celebrate with. “I know what I want and I”m going to achieve it, and I don’t need a man, 2.5 kids, and a minivan to do it.” Gina, clucking condescendingly, is all “if you say soooo” and then waves her hand in the air like she’s doing a magic trick. The car squeals to a stop, Claudia jolts forward, and suddenly she’s dropped out in front of a modest country home, looking confused, wearing sweats.

A man comes outside, hands Claudia a squirming toddler, and leaves. Claudia looks at her hand and sees a wedding ring. Another child appears, looks up and calls her mommy. Golly! The Magic Lady fixed Claudia right up!

Here’s Beyonce, a consummate professional and perfectionist, at Coachella again, a performance for which she personally selected almost all elements —including each dancer, the lights, the material used on the steps of the bleachers, and the height of the pyramid centerpiece. 

Movie Misogyny Moment 4. Claudia wakes up on the first full day in her alternate reality, a version of life where she went to law school but opted out of the workforce. She is immediately thrown into the middle of getting-ready-for-school insanity. She goes downstairs to make coffee and her husband, Bill, is like “No family breakfast today?” She goes back upstairs to wake up the kids, and the boychild says to her, with a straight face, “Are the pancakes ready?” She heads back downstairs, where Bill asks her if she packed the kids’ lunches yet.

Claudia, correctly, explodes, asking “Do you do ANYTHING around here?” Bill, in soothing tones, puts a hand on her arm and says, “Hey, now. If you want help, all you have to do is ask.”

Later, Claudia bakes this man a cake from scratch to celebrate his birthday, and when Claudia’s sister sees the cake she says “Oh, cool, you let [the toddler] frost the cake! Bill will love that!”

This is the part where I remind you that this is an aspirational version of reality.

Here’s Beyonce showing up on behfalf of the charity she founded, the Beygood Foundation, which has raised tons of $ to fight for gender equality worldwide, given school supplies to students across the nation and more. Currently Beygood is raising funds to provide COVID relief to communities of color who have been disproportionately affected by the pandemic. 

Movie Misogyny Moment 5. Claudia, having been allowed to take part-time employment (“I’ll need to ask Bill first,” she says with her actual mouth) providing legal assistance in support of an embattled town park, has found the blissful balance that the rest of us shrews only dream about. She cooks Thanksgiving dinner for her magic family. She makes a toast. “You’ve all shown me what comes from simply giving love. Without you my life would be empty.”

Here’s Beyonce demonstrating the concept of “bootlylicious,” a word that now exists as an entry in the Oxford English Dictionary.


Rating: Zero of ten cornucopias.