Watching Hallmark while the world burns

Vintage: Hallmark, 2016 Hallmark-approved summary: When the mayor hires a handsome landscaper to cut down a small town’s beloved oak tree, Aimie takes it upon herself to try and save it – by chaining herself to it. As the landscaper attempts to wait her out, the two find that the tree brings them more than they could’ve imagined in life and love.  Actual Summary: When you can’t feel your feelings, feel a tree. Cast member prestige: [Claps hands] This cast list is exciting for two reasons! 1) It gives this humble blog its first instance of Hallmark Overlap, as BOTH of our leading players were featured in other films previously reviewed. Our female lead is played by Ashley Williams (Poppy from October Kiss), and our male lead is played by Trevor Donovan (Patrick the hulk-esque lawyer from Love, Fall & Order). 2) The dignified supporting role of Aimie’s Mom is played by actual actress Marilu Henner. Like, the one from Taxi. She is in this movie for a sum total of approximately 10 ...

Vintage: Hallmark, 2015 Hallmark-approved summary: With big plans to leave their small Iowa town, teenage loves Annie and Ben elope. Their big city plans are halted, though, when Annie’s parents have the marriage annulled, and Annie stays behind in Iowa to help her family. Fifteen years later, when Annie is engaged in Iowa and Ben is engaged in New York, they discover that their annulment was never finalized. Annie and Ben reunite to make their divorce legal, but find themselves reminiscing about what could have been if they had stayed together. As romantic feelings resurface, Annie and Ben must decide if their past love could also be their destined future. Actual summary: A Canadian film crew fetishizes the great state of Iowa. Cast member prestige: Hallmark movie mainstay Jill Wagner is our female lead. She’s done time as a television host (ABC’s Wipeout), a lead actress (MTV’s Teen Wolf), and a “sketch performer” on Punk’d. Our male lead is Colin Egglesfield, who spent four year...

Vintage: Hallmark, 2020 Hallmark approved summary: A struggling country singer meets a Nashville songwriter in need of inspiration. Teaming up to write a song, their work gets complicated but results in both a hit song...and true love. Actual summary: This one has an soundtrack. Like, you could buy it, with money. Cast member prestige: There’s not a lot to say about our two main dudes, other than the fact that I went into this movie thinking Lucas Bryant must be an actual country singer. Not because of his pipes, but because his name is Lucas Bryant. Our lead actress, Jessy Schram, started out as, according to IMDB, “one of Chicago’s most successful child models,” before going on to have roles in Once Upon a Time and Chicago Med. Hallmark Man does Hallmark Job: We get two Hallmark Men for the price of one! Grady is a Nashville-based songwriter whose career has stalled, while Duke is a successful country music star whose creativity is being stifled by the demands of his record company. ...

Vintage: Hallmark, 2017 Hallmark-approved summary: A widowed surgeon visits her family’s pear orchard in hopes of taking a break from her overbooked life and reconnecting with her distant son. She starts to fall for the farm manager, Will, who is growing a new hybrid pear and teaches her the importance of her heritage. Actual summary: Pears deserve your attention, too. Cast member prestige: Our female lead is Jen Lilley, a soap veteren with long-term stints on both General Hospital and Days of Our Lives. Our male lead, Ryan Paevey, is also a General Hospital vet and appeared in music videos for Christina Aguilera (role: “Love Interest”) and Toni Braxton (role: “Guy Shooting Pool”). Hallmark Man does Hallmark job: Will Nash is an agronomist who, having been educated at a top-tier university, returns home to help rebuild his family’s legacy after their farm is razed to make room for a shopping mall. Action: We open on “Seattle West Hospital,” where busy Dr. Luna Gilson is being asked to ...

Vintage: Hallmark, 2016 Hallmark-approved summary: Ten years ago, Faye and Lydia each opened their own bakeries in Emeryville, Ohio, after a personal and professional fall-out during a local Pumpkin Pie contest. Now their children, and co-workers, Casey and Sam, are set to carry on the rivalry as they go head-to-head in the same contest. There's only one problem for these two people who are supposed to hate each other: they start to fall in love. Actual summary: OMG This one is so boring. Cast member prestige: Female lead Julie Gonzalo has actually been in a lot of stuff (Veronica Mars, the Dallas reboot, Supergirl), which is… weird? Because she’s fully terrible in this? Male lead Rico Aragon -- credited here as Eric Aragon, say it out loud and you’ll see why he changed it -- is, according to IMDB, known for something called “I Live With Models.” So. Hallmark Man Has Hallmark Job: Sam Harper is a London-trained “professional chef” who for some reason works in his mom’s bakery. The...

Vintage: Hallmark, 2019 Hallmark-approved summary: When Claire goes home to save her dad's annual Fall Fest on her family's pumpkin farm, sparks fly with an old rival – the opposing lawyer she now faces in court. Actual summary: This whole thing could’ve been avoided if someone had addressed Aunt Margie’s hoarding issues. Cast Member Prestige: Not a lot. Our female lead, Erin Cahill, was a Power Rangers Time Force Ranger back in 2001, but since then has been mostly a TV movie mainstay. Her male counterpart, Trevor Donovan, seems to be somewhat of a soaps veteran, having put in 111 episodes of Days of Our Lives and 79 episodes of the unfortunate Beverly Hills 90210 reboot. Hallmark Man Does Hallmark Job: Patrick Harris is a lawyer who, while educated in the Big City, currently practices “a lot of pro bono work” out of what is essentially a storefront in rural Vermont. His office is filled with ornamental pumpkins and, bizarrely, what appears to be a framed photo of himself wit...

  Hallmark-approved summary: Poppy Summerall is hired near Halloween as a temporary nanny by Ryan Lawson, a widowed, work-obsessed executive. Through a series of adventures, the eternally optimistic Poppy sets out to teach Ryan and his two young children what’s important in life – unconditional love, family and the joy of everyday occurrences. Actual summary: Hallmark Man purchases bride; bride comes with Halloween accessories. Vintage: Hallmark, 2015 Cast Member Prestige: This film stars Ashley Williams and Sam Jaeger as its romantic leads. Williams’ credits include a starring role on The Jim Gaffigan Show (which was… a thing apparently?) and a stint as Ted’s baker girlfriend Victoria on How I Met Your Mother. Jaeger played Julia’s hot husband Joel on Parenthood and was also on The Handmaid’s Tale, which I did not watch because Self Care. Hallmark Man Does Hallmark Job: Ryan Lawson is an app developer whose current product, Food with Friends (it’s Tinder, if hook-up...