Watching Hallmark while the world burns

Vintage: Lifetime 2020 Lifetime-approved summary: David Morales, an Arizona high school principal and single dad, has lost the holiday spirit after also losing his wife a few years ago during the Christmas season. Now, David will do anything to avoid Christmas so he moonlights as a delivery driver during the holidays. But this year David’s 14-year-old daughter, Noel, and his live-in sister, Marissa, are determined to bring the yuletide spirit back to the family and, with a little luck, also help David find love again via online dating. So when Sophie, a witty musician and customer on David’s delivery route, swipes right on him, something magical happens between them. Actual summary: This is not how music works. Cast member prestige:  Action: We open with some basic scene-setting. David Morales, our hero, is busily principalling through the halls of the Arizona high school over which he presides. He pops into the music room, where the school’s bell choir (???) is rehearsing for thei...

Vintage: Hallmark, 2018 Hallmark-approved summary: When pilot Zoey Hathaway inherits her uncle’s reindeer farm in Alaska, her plans to sell the place and buy her own plane go out the window after she meets the handsome ranch hand, Alec Wynn, along with the place’s resident reindeer. Actual Summary: I was promised a reindeer farm. Cast Prestige: This is our third - count ‘em, THIRD - Ashley Williams joint, after October Kiss and Love on a Limb. Ashley Williams is truly a gift for all seasons. Starring opposite Ashley in this film is a gentleman named Corey Sevier, whose most interesting role to date appears to have been playing Timmy in the Canadian reboot of Lassie in the 90s. Action: We open in an airport, where Zoey, a commercial airline pilot who dreams of owning her own charter plane, has just landed a flight. Arriving home later after work, Zoey opens some mail, frowns at it, and calls her mom. The letter, as it turns out, has informed Zoey that probate just closed on the Alaska r...

Vintage: Hallmark 2020 Hallmark approved summary: Charles Whitley travels from 1903 to 2020 where he meets Megan Turner and experiences a 21st Century Christmas. Actual summary: Woman loves a Christmas zombie. Cast member prestige: It’s another casting overlap! Charles Whitley is played by Ryan Paevey, cultivator of hybrid pears in Harvest Love. And Megan Turner is played by Erin Cahill, of Love, Fall, and Order “fame.” Action: This one is based on a 2018 novel that a) I have not read, and b) is owned by exactly one library in my entire library system. Does not bode well, friends. We open on Cutter Springs, NY in the year 1903. At an auction, our hero Charles Whitley bids on and wins a Christmas clock, engraved with the following words: “Wind once in Christmas moon; True love will find you soon.” Charles heads home to his mansion, clock in hand, and is greeted by his fiance Eliza waiting for him in the parlor. Eliza wants Charles to join her for her parents’ Christmas party, but Charle...

Vintage: Lifetime 2020 Lifetime approved summary: Ashley returns to her small hometown to care for her uncle who recently broke his ankle. When she learns that he has sold her Mom’s vintage red convertible, a car that holds many wonderful Christmas memories for Ashley, she is disappointed. But with the help of Duncan, her uncle’s attorney, Ashley is reunited with the car and restores it to its former glory, and fills it up with gifts for the community – just as her mother used to do. As she reconnects with happy Christmas memories, she feels torn about her plans to return to the big city and what she may be leaving behind. Actual summary: A car fueled entirely by the spirit of Christmas can be truly owned by no man. Cast member prestige: Ashley is played by Tiya Sircar, who is best known (to me, anyway) as Vicky on The Good Place. Her love interest, Duncan, is played by Michael Xavier, an Extremely Hot Canadian whose credits are a bit sparse. According to IMDB, he’ll next be starring a...

Vintage: Lifetime, 2020 Lifetime-approved summary: From executive producer Tiffany Haddish, Christmas Unwrapped follows Charity, an ambitious reporter, who learns the true meaning of Christmas when she investigates Erik Gallagher, a beloved member of the town who insists all the gifts he provides are from none-other than Santa himself. Actual summary, according to my 10-year-old: A woman falls in love with a man who is dumb. Cast member prestige: You had me at “executive producer Tiffany Haddish!” Our heroine is played by Amber Stevens West, an Actual Living Black Woman, who was on Greek and a bunch of other assorted TV shows. Her love interest is played by Marco Grazzini, of Kim’s Convenience fame. The role of Charity’s mean boss Janet is played, for some reason, by Cheryl Ladd. Action: Charity, a New York City blogger and newbie reporter for the “Times Square Journal,” is assigned her First Big Featured Story: an expose on Eric Gallagher, local do-gooder and founder of the NSB (Never...