Love, Fall & Order

Vintage: Hallmark, 2019

Hallmark-approved summary: When Claire goes home to save her dad's annual Fall Fest on her family's pumpkin farm, sparks fly with an old rival – the opposing lawyer she now faces in court.

Actual summary: This whole thing could’ve been avoided if someone had addressed Aunt Margie’s hoarding issues.

Cast Member Prestige: Not a lot. Our female lead, Erin Cahill, was a Power Rangers Time Force Ranger back in 2001, but since then has been mostly a TV movie mainstay. Her male counterpart, Trevor Donovan, seems to be somewhat of a soaps veteran, having put in 111 episodes of Days of Our Lives and 79 episodes of the unfortunate Beverly Hills 90210 reboot.

Hallmark Man Does Hallmark Job: Patrick Harris is a lawyer who, while educated in the Big City, currently practices “a lot of pro bono work” out of what is essentially a storefront in rural Vermont. His office is filled with ornamental pumpkins and, bizarrely, what appears to be a framed photo of himself with his dog. Who is named Maple.

The action:

We open in a New York City courtroom. Our heroine, Claire Hart, is confidently and winningly repeating the words “Your Honor” and wearing a suit, so we know she is a Lady Lawyer. Don’t jump to conclusions, though; this Lady Lawyer has small-town roots. Her father owns a pumpkin farm in Vermont and hosts a beloved annual fall festival there. 

Speaking of Vermont: we cut there, where we meet Patrick Harris, our male protagonist, who is paying a visit to his Aunt Margie’s flower shop. Business is slow for Margie, and she’s worried about finances, but an old deed to her property (which she just...found lying around somewhere) could provide some relief in the form of extra land that might be rightfully hers. Patrick -- who, as it turns out, is also a lawyer -- offers to look into it for her.

My 14-year-old says Patrick’s head looks like the Hulk. 

Claire & Patrick’s worlds collide, and our central conflict is revealed, when Claire takes an urgent phone call from her dad. Dad says that their neighbor (psst: it’s Aunt Margie!) thinks she might actually be the owner of the land on which the annual fall festival is hosted. Aunt Margie has gotten a lawyer involved (psst: it’s Patrick!) and Dad doesn’t know what to do. Claire hops on a train to Vermont to save the day the next morning, where she is met at the station by her childhood bestie Betsy, a “character” who exists solely to deliver one of the film’s best lines: “Claire, I hope you can relax while you're here... read a magazine, take a bath, carve a pumpkin."

Lifetime movies are so relatable. I never miss an opportunity to unwind by sinking a knife into a gourd.

Claire soon finds out that Patrick is the lawyer representing Margie and: surprise, they know each other! And second surprise: they hate each other! They were rivals in high school! They were debate team nerd combatants! So when the two of them run into each other that morning at a coffee shop where they are both angling after the last pumpkin muffin, sparks fly immediately.

What follows is a whole lot of “they hate each other except that they’re actually hot for each other” filler: Patrick and Claire wind up competing at a trivia night where contestants sit in the center of a bar randomly shouting out answers surrounded by a large crowd inexplicably cheering them on. (My husband: “That's not how trivia works. That's not how trivia has ever worked.") Patrick wins. Claire volunteers at her best friend’s outdoor autumnal wreath booth (what?) and Patrick comes by to purchase a couple. While there, Patrick reveals to Claire that he coaches the local high school debate team, and hey, would she like to come check out a practice? She would, and she does, and afterwards the two of them gaze nostalgically into the high school trophy case where there is a framed copy of a newspaper article about Claire’s reign as valedictorian. Like, wouldn’t all the other valedictorians between then and now walk past that case and be like “what the hell?”

An initial survey of the pumpkin patch land yields what seem to be excellent results for Claire’s family: the official property line *does* need to be shifted, but only a tiny amount. It won’t affect the fall festival at all! Huzzah! Claire won’t be needed in court after all, and she can return to NYC. Claire is relieved, but wistful. In spite of their conflicts, Hallmark Guy had been turning out to be kind of Hallmark Hot.

BUT WAIT. Claire has hardly been back in the city a few days when a) Aunt Margie somehow finds ANOTHER old document that disputes the property line, and B) Claire gets a call from her bestie back in Vermont, telling her some kind of emergency news. The look of horror on Claire’s face at the phone call causes my 10-year-old son to ask “What? Did someone commit suicide or something?”

Readers, no. Claire’s dad hurt his ankle, and cannot efficiently work the fall festival. Claire hurries home to help.

Cut to: fall festival. Claire is on the scene, covering for Dad, when Patrick approaches. She’s happy to see him, but this is not a social call: Patrick informs Claire that they found new documents and a map from 1943, all of which contradict Claire’s initial assessment. Turns out that Claire's grandpa rented land from his neighbor, the neighbor moved away and grandpa continued to farm on that land and everyone forgot, something about a creek flooding over, I STOPPED LISTENING. At the end of the day, Patrick says, "I have to bring this to the court; I have an obligation to my aunt."

Claire is pissed and goes to tell Dad, who is like “oops, my bad, was that relevant info?”

Claire and Dad withdraw the countersuit. But they still have to have their Big Final Courtroom Scene. Claire addresses the judge, acknowledging her dad's lifetime of work on the farm and respectfully requesting that he be allowed to finish out this year’s fall festival before being booted. Patrick stands and says his client wants to compromise. They’ll withdraw the suit if Dad will partner with Aunt Margie on the fall festival and let her grow flowers on his land. They accept the offer. The court case is done in 3 minutes. My husband says "Yayyyy! This whole movie never had to happen at all!"

We close on Patrick and Claire holding hands at the fall festival. She takes him to her "favorite spot" -- you can see the stars and the trees and, of course, "it’s a prime spot to see the pumpkin patch." Patrick admits that he has had a crush on her since high school and she attacks his face.

Rating: 4 out of 10 pumpkins for abundant muffins, supportive besties, and a lifetime’s worth of burgundy sweaters. Warning for giant heads, a truly stupid title, and general boringness.