My Secret Valentine

Vintage: Hallmark 2018

Hallmark-Approved Summary: A young woman takes advice from the chalkboard notes that her mysterious house rental tenant leaves when a slick sales rep arrives with plans to buy her family’s prized winery.

Actual Summary: Yes, you read that right: chalkboard notes. It might not be the literal bottom of the barrel, but I’d say we’re scraping about three quarters of the way down.

Cast member prestige:
It’s national treasure Lacey Chabert! If your Chabert fandom is at a beginner level, you most likely know her as Gretchen Wieners from Mean Girls. If you’re a founding member of the fan club, you know her as Claudia from Party of Five. If you’re me, you will always cherish her starring turn as “Gwyneth” in the 2014 feature film, Christian Mingle the Movie.

There is also a male lead in this movie. His name is Andrew W. Walker and he is Canadian.

Action:

Chloe Grange is heir to the Grange Family Winery, a boutique family-owned vineyard in rural Oregon. Chloe left home years ago to manage a restaurant in Portland but, as our story opens, has been lured back to the winery by a worrisome call from her dad, saying he has important news that can only be shared in person.

Chloe arrives at the vineyard to find preparations for the annual Oregon Valentine’s Day Wine Fest in full swing. Chloe’s childhood friend Leanne is managing the place, and shows her some of the changes they’ve made, including renting out Chloe’s late mom’s hideaway cabin as a VRBO. Nostalgic, Chloe helps Leanne clean up the place and even writes a little welcome message to the incoming renters on a chalkboard hanging on the wall.

Chloe’s dad hosts a “Friends and Family Dinner” that night to kick off wine festival season, at which he drops his big important news: he’s retiring. Chloe makes Concern Face… which turns into Self-Righteously Appalled Face when dad goes on to admit that he’s agreed to take a meeting with a wine company called Stratosphere. “You’re selling to the boxed wine people?” Chloe gasps. A little less judgment, please, Chloe. She begs to be included in the meeting. Dad says ok, but only if she will go into it with an open mind.

The next morning, hey, guess what: the Stratosphere guy is already here! His name is Seth and his jaw is extremely chiseled. Dad is showing Seth around the cellar when Chloe barges in, sass dial cranked up to 11. “I bet you told everyone at Stratosphere that you’d close this deal in 3 days,” she snits. Seth is all...um...actually I said two. Chloe turns on her heel and leaves. Friend Leanne is waiting outside, all “hE’s hAaaanDsOmE,” to which Chloe hisses “He’s not handsome; he’s the enemy.”

Leanne tells Chloe that she got an email from the people who are renting the cabin, something about repairs needing to be made. Chloe drives over to take a look, letting herself in when no one responds to her knock. She finds a message written on the chalkboard that reads: “There’s a lot of downtime in the country so I decided to help out and fix stuff. I hope that’s ok. - Handyman”

So… they emailed not to request repairs but to… receive credit for them? Ok.

Chloe admires the mystery handyman’s work, then goes out to the store and buys some additional tools and some snacks to leave in the cabin, writing a new note on the chalkboard when she goes.

Cut to that evening: it’s dark, and the mystery tenant pulls up to the cabin and gets out of the car, revealing himself to be… Seth! The Stratosphere guy! Which I’m sure is just as shocking to you as Hallmark’s dramatic slow reveal clearly believes it to be. Seth finds the new tools and chocolates Chloe left and is delighted. He reads the new chalkboard note: “You are my hero, handyman. Thank you! - In need of repairs” He grins, smirking, and says (to an empty room): “I’m your hero, huh. Ok then. I’ll be your hero.”

Back at the main house. Chloe and her dad do a meeting post-mortem. “You weren’t easy on Seth,” says Dad. “He needs to know we aren’t pushovers,” is Chloe’s retort. They talk about the upcoming festival. Chloe wants to create a booth that pays homage to their winery’s original festival booth, in honor of what might be their last. Dad agrees.

Nighttime at the cabin. It’s too quiet, and Big City Seth can’t sleep. So he gets up and does unapproved home repairs all night on a property that doesn’t belong to him. As you do.

The next morning, Seth joins Chloe in the vineyard for some pruning and, like, HOURS of banter. A sample:
Seth: “I might not know much about high end wines, but I’m good at my job.”
Chloe: “Being charming isn’t the same as being good.”
Seth: “You think I’m charming?”

Seth shows Chloe a draft of Stratosphere’s 5-year plan for the winery, which actually seems generous and lucrative all around. Chloe is unimpressed. Seth takes a call from his boss, a Busy Lady on a Treadmill, who barks at him to close the deal.

Later, Chloe checks in on the cabin with a plumber in tow; the mystery tenant reported a leak. She finds another note on the chalkboard, this one reading: “There’s something comforting about a creaky house. You never feel alone.” Random. The plumber fixes the leak, finding Chloe’s late mom’s broken clock stashed under the cabinet. Chloe writes a new note on the chalkboard: “Any chance you know how to make a sentimental cuckoo clock cuckoo once more?”

Nighttime. Seth goes to a diner in town for dinner, orders the rib platter and asks the waitress to switch out the mashed potatoes for a kale salad. DO YOU GET IT HE’S FROM THE CITY AND THEY EAT KALE THERE. The waitress isn’t having it.

The next morning we embark on what is truly the most batshit portion of the film, in which Seth goes for a ride-along with Chloe to deliver cases of wine to some of the winery’s “loyal customers.” When the first shopkeeper sees Seth and is like “who’s the new guy?” Chloe, rather than just say something normal like, I don’t know, THIS IS SETH, instead chooses to introduce Seth as an “exchange student from Finland” who “doesn’t speak any English.” Seth, not missing a beat, proceeds to make faux-charming small talk in faux-Finnish and everyone laughs and laughs because this is all fine.

THEN they drive to a fancy restaurant, one that the Grange Winery has been trying to woo unsuccessfully for years, and Chloe asks Seth to wait outside while she offers the owner a tasting of a new red blend. Except Seth doesn’t do that. Seth marches into the tasting, speaks in a twangy Southern accent, and announces that he has been looking everywhere for the Grange Winery red blend since he last tried it “at the blind tasting in Lyon.” The restaurant owner immediately buys two cases.

Afterward, Chloe is impressed and hugs Seth to thank him. They have a moment. “Who are you?” Chloe asks him as they drive back. “You blow into town with your city swagger and then you do all this. I can’t figure you out.” She accuses him of being a sellout, of taking away things that matter to other people. He argues that most people thank him for helping them achieve more than they ever had before. They come to an unhappy impasse.

Chloe stops back at the cabin. She finds work on her mom’s broken cuckoo clock in progress on the table, along with an empty wine bottle and a new note on chalkboard: “Your bill is racking up.” Chloe writes in return: “Does your handyman experience cover advice on dealing with a jerk at work?”

When Seth returns to the cabin later, he smiles at the note. His response: “Hello! I find that the best jerk repellent is doing the unexpected. Instead of fighting back, smile.”

Gross. Seth is cancelled.

Chloe’s all good with garbage advice, though, because at the next morning’s meeting at the vineyard, Chloe smiles, dead-eyed and stiff, at every [honestly, perfectly reasonable] suggestion that Seth makes in response to questions from her dad. After the meeting, she says she has to drop something off at the cabin, makes a beeline to the chalkboard, and writes: “I smiled until my cheeks hurt.”

Later that day, friend Leanne asks Chloe, “Is it just me, or are your cabin visits making you giddy?” She notes that Chloe is blushing, causing Chloe to tell her all about the “handyman” and their secret chalkboard notes. Chloe begs Leanne to spill any details she might have about the tenant, since Leanne is the person managing the rental, but Leanne claims that she has zero info -- not even a name, since all the details were handled by the home rental site. Well that certainly sounds safe and reasonable.

That evening Chloe sees Seth sitting at the winery’s bar, sampling the wines. He mutters out loud: “How does she know the difference between black pepper and white pepper?” Chloe stifles a laugh and walks away… to go BACK to the cabin and leave another chalkboard note, this time telling “handyman” that they should meet in person, tomorrow at the Main Street Tavern at 2 PM.

Fast forward: it’s meeting time. Chloe shows up at the restaurant, slides into a booth, and orders a glass of wine. Seth, already seated at the bar, sees her and gets it right away. He walks over and says hi, but she appears to have never seen a rom-com before and is like “go away, I’m meeting someone.” Gamely, Seth is all ohhhhhh I’ll just keep you company until he gets here, wink wink nudge nudge. He plays dumb, asking who she’s meeting. Chloe tells the story of what she calls her “pen pal friendship,” growing increasingly downcast as it becomes clear [to her anyway] that she’s being stood up. Seth tries again, suggesting that “maybe he’s hiding in plain sight.” She still doesn’t get it. Not a rocket scientist, this one. They leave.

Next day. Valentine’s Day Wine Festival. Seth visits the Grange Family Winery booth and invites Chloe to take a break and go walk the festival with him. They stroll and chat until they hear an announcement for the festival’s wine tasting competition. Which they just...go enter, on a whim. Even though she is an Actual Winemaker - like, shouldn’t that disqualify her? Who’s going to out-palate someone who grew up chewing on a vine? Anyway, there’s a wine tasting montage and of course Chloe and Seth win. Afterwards, Chloe is filled with joy and, realizing how much she loves the winery, finds her dad and tells him that he should sell to HER, not Stratosphere. Dad is like, that’s literally all I ever wanted except for the fact that you are a solid day late. He already signed the contract with Stratosphere earlier that day. Seth chooses that exact [wrong] moment to appear on the scene, and Chloe is furious. “Why didn’t you tell me?” she demands before storming off.

Back at the house, Chloe calls her chef/boss back in Portland. Is she taking the new manager job? No! She’s not! She’s turning it down, because, as she tells chef/boss on the phone, ”My place is here in the valley.” Dad comes in, overhearing this, and apologizes for letting Chloe down. “You didn’t,” Chloe insists. “You just pushed me to be honest with myself.”

Chloe goes to the cabin. The mystery tenant is gone, and Chloe’s mom’s cuckoo clock is fixed and hanging on the wall. On the table? One Stratosphere contract, ripped to shreds. Now, finally, Chloe gets it! “Seth is Handyman,” she says aloud. [The cabin is like: OBVIOUSLY, GOD.] Chloe jumps into her car and drives into town, ripped contract in hand, and finds Seth at the diner. The following dialogue ensues:

Chloe: You forgot something!
Seth: I left it on purpose.
Chloe: I thought this was your purpose.
Seth: It was - until I found something more important than business.
Chloe: You did?
Seth: You.

Seth tells Chloe not to sell, that she should run the winery herself. She asks him: “What do you think Handyman would advise us to do right now?” He kisses her in response.

Rating: Five of ten valentines for wine, wineries, wine country, and scenery that is not covered in snow and ice. Warning for weird chalkboard flirting and protagonists that are slow on the uptake.