Pumpkin Everything

Vintage: Hallmark, 2022.

Summary: Amy, an up-and-coming novelist, returns to her hometown to look after her stubborn grandfather Tom and his pumpkin-themed store while confronting an old flame from her past.

Cast member prestige: The two romantic leads were basically born and raised in a Hallmark factory, but the Stubborn Grandpa Who Maintains a Bizarre Attachment to Fall character is played by Michael Ironside, who is apparently famous (?) although I don’t recognize him. IMDB tells me he was in Top Gun and like seven episodes of ER, so.

Action:

First off, what you need to know is that this feature film takes place in a town called Autumnborough. I feel like once you learn this information, you have a couple of options available to you. One: you can fight it, shake your fists at the sun, shout that this is simply too much to bear, take to the streets, send an email to corporate. Or two: you can nod, take a sip of your beverage, and listen to the song of your heart saying yes, yes, this is where the wind has always been taking us, everything is as it should be, yes.

We open on Grandpa Tom driving around “downtown” Autumnborough in his old-timey truck, stopping at a coffeeshop for, and I quote, “the first pumpkin latte of the season.” The barista asks Grandpa Tom if he’s ready for Foliage Fest – which appears to be a thing that Grandpa Tom is in charge of – and then gives him his drink for free. Delighted, Grandpa Tom takes his latte to go, pulls his truck out of its parking spot, aaaaaaand proceeds to drive said truck directly INTO the coffeshop that just comped him a treat. 

Cut to an unspecified Big City, where our main character Amy is meeting with her literary agent. Amy has just released the third book in a bestselling trilogy, called Vampire Rising, because the year is apparently 2006. Amy’s agent wants to talk to her about an upcoming book tour. Later, at home, Amy gets a call from her mom, who tells her that Grandpa just crashed his car and is in the hospital. Amy freaks. Next thing we know, she’s on the road to Autumnborough, her hometown.

After a drive past trees so brightly autumnal they could double as traffic lights, Amy arrives at the hospital. Grandpa is being discharged and is pretty grumpy about the whole ordeal. While a nurse goes over paperwork with Grandpa, Amy and her mom take off on a walk through the halls to share some exposition poorly disguised as conversation. We learn that things have been strained between Amy and her Grandpa ever since Amy decided to become a writer instead of taking up Grandpa’s offer to put her through business school. Grandpa’s goal was for Amy to take over his store, Pumpkin Everything. Amy’s goal was to write erotic fiction about the undead. You see the disconnect.

Mom has to go back to work, so Amy is tasked with driving Grandpa Tom home from the hospital. Amy thinks they should head straight home but Grandpa wants to do a couple of errands to prepare for Foliage Fest. The festival’s grand finale, an event creatively named “Nightcap,” is to be held at Grandpa’s store and he wants to be ready. Amy suggests that given the circumstances perhaps Nightcap should be moved to a new location this year. Grandpa says “over my dead body.” Your words, Grandpa,

They head downtown, ostensibly to run Grandpa’s errands although the only actual errand we see them accomplish is “stopping for caramel apples.” It’s the Autumnborough equivalent of grabbing Starbucks. They stroll with their treats, Grandpa trying to convince Amy to stay in town for the whole festival instead of leaving early to resume her book tour. Amy is like no, sorry, the vampires need me.

Next stop: Pumpkin Everything. The store is an absurdly large stone building with what appears to be some kind of fall-themed farmer’s market out front. Amy looks around outside and compliments Grandpa on all the changes he made since she last saw the place. Grandpa nods and boasts: “A couple more bales of hay and a few good looking scarecrows!”

“Did you do all this yourself?” Amy asks. Grandpa tells her that no, Kit did most of the work. “Kit? As in Kit Parker?” Amy asks, eyes wide. “I haven’t seen Kit since high school.”

On cue, the Hallmark Symphony Orchestra begins playing Etude 37: I Haven’t Seen X Since High School, and Amy and Grandpa look toward the store’s front porch where lo, a Fall Man has appeared. He has dark hair and a Hallmark Face. He wears flannel. He is flannel. He bounds through the front door, then stops and gapes when he sees Amy. She gapes back.

Amy and Kit sputter greetings at each other while Grandpa looks around, inspecting Kit’s festival preparations. “Where are the pumpkin spice candles?” Grandpa barks at Kit. “They’re a proprietary blend! People come from everywhere to buy them!” Kit tells Grandpa not to worry – he simply moved the candles indoors so that shoppers have to navigate through the store, and all of its assorted other pumpkin merch, to find them. Grandpa and Amy are in awe of Kit’s business acumen. Grandpa then wanders inside, leaving Amy and Kit to chat. Kit tells Amy he owes a lot to her Grandpa. “He gave me this job and took a chance on me when no one else would,” he vaguebooks.

Amy finally gets Grandpa back home. Grandpa’s house, it turns out, is in shambles, all dirty dishes and hoarder detritus as far as the eye can see. Amy makes a sad face, followed by a cup of tea. Grandpa starts pawing through his record collection. Later, Amy is sitting outside on a bench next to a scarecrow, as you do, when Kit the Fall Man shows up with two paper sacks of groceries. Amy is all “wow, thanks for bringing Gramps some food” and Kit is all “um, I’m just coming home, I live in the guest house, didn’t Grandpa tell you?” No, Kit, Grandpa didn’t tell her.

Amy offers to help Kit carry in his bags. Inside the guest house, we find a perfectly normal living situation for a grown single man: shelves of decorative pumpkins, rustic autumn throw pillows on the couch, and an uncomfortable amount of garland. “Can I get you an apple cider?” Kit asks before grabbing a white ceramic pitcher of cider from a table and pouring Amy a cup like this is an acceptable thing to have/do.

Amy and Kit sit and chat. Kit fills us in about his mysterious “rough patch” the movie’s been tiptoeing around: I guess his mom died? Leading him to “make one bad decision after another?” Destroying every relationship he had in town? Except for the one he had with Grandpa Tom, who is the only person who never gave up on him?

So…. nobody cared enough to actually write this Fall Man a backstory, got it.

The conversation shifts to Grandpa Tom’s health and safety. “Some days he has energy and other days he doesn’t,” Kit reports, admitting that he worries about him as much as Amy does. Amy says that she wishes there was something she could do for Grandpa and Kit is all “you ARE doing something just by being here.” Then Kit reveals that Grandpa Tom suffered a bad fall a few months ago, a fall that no one bothered telling Amy about. Amy is pissed.

The next day Amy heads back to Pumpkin Everything, where she finds a bunch of boxes piled up against a wall. Kit is there, and he beams with pride when she inquires about them. “Those are ONLINE orders,” he declares. “I set up the ordering site just in time for fall.” Ordering site? What is it with Hallmark Towns discovering the internet 30 years after the fact? Amy gasps with wonder at the world wide webbitude of it all. Grandpa appears on the scene and Amy invites him out to lunch. They get in the car.

Their lunch date goes awry, however, when it becomes clear that Amy is actually driving Grandpa Tom back to his house, where she has brought in a company to clean up, organize his belongings, and fill his fridge with meals. Grandpa Tom is not about that life. He’s furious that strangers have been in his house without his consent. In response, Amy holds up her phone and announces to this elderly man who just discovered the internet: “But look! They aren’t strangers! They have an app!”

Grandpa and Amy finish the drive in silence, then enter Grandpa’s house to find that The Non-Strangers With An App have, in the course of one single morning, deep cleaned the entire property, alphabetized Grandpa’s books, and decorated for fall. Sorcery. Grandpa is still pissed, but Amy is all “you must see that something has to change.” Grandpa tells Amy that most of the changes in his life have been things that he didn’t want. “Growing old ain’t for the faint of heart,” he says.

Later, Amy and her mom head over to the coffee shop that Grandpa Tom destroyed with his truck. The owner of the shop, Luke, is apparently threatening to sue Grandpa Tom (like…already?) and Amy’s mom plans to give him a piece of her mind. Except, in a truly unnecessary side plot, Luke comes out of the back of the shop and turns out to be another Fall Man and Amy’s mom is instantly hypnotized when he offers her a sample of an apple cider donut. How would Amy’s mom, an heir to the most prominent business in Autumnborough, not already be acquainted with the owner of this established coffee shop, you might ask? Don’t worry about it. Amy sure doesn’t. She takes a phone call from her agent, learns she’s booked an appearance on a popular morning show, and literally ABANDONS HER MOTHER to the donut peddler and drives away. Nice, Amy.

Over at Kit’s, Amy breaks the news that she has to leave sooner than expected. She apologizes to Kit for having ghosted him after his mom died. He says he never saw it as ghosting. “You had to pursue your writing.” Amy wasn’t sure she would ever be able to face him again, but Kit is conciliatory. “We’re older now,” he says. “Yes I missed you, but I never expected you to fix me.” Amy asks if they can be friends again, and they hug. Luke wishes her a safe drive home. She leaves. He looks wistful.

Then in the car Amy hears approximately three seconds of a song on the radio and a couple of sentences spoken by a DJ, has an epiphany that she does not share with us, immediately calls her agent to announce a change of plans, and finally drives over to Grandpa’s house to say that she’s staying an extra day because “there’s something we have to do first.” It is truly that abrupt, I am not exaggerating.

When I tell you I have lost all concept of the passing of time in this cinematic universe. How many days has she been there? A week? A month? Do we live there now?

Next thing we know, Amy is walking Grandpa Tom up the front steps of the Oakwood Retirement Community. “We’re here for an opportunity,” she tells him. Just inside the front entrance, we see an elderly woman in a professional recording booth. She is wearing headphones and speaking into a mic, imploring listeners (?) to “get out there and see those leaves!” Grandpa is intrigued.

Granny DJ comes out of the booth and says, extremely naturally and with zero affect whatsoever, “You must be Amy. Rock on! I’m Maggie!” Amy says that she heard there was an open DJ spot (where? From whom?) and brought Grandpa Tom to give it a try. Maggie is all sure, great, you can definitely shoot your shot, and Grandpa seems genuinely stoked… until Maggie starts spouting off about “once you get moved in” and “when you’re all settled.” Grandpa squints. “Didn’t Amy tell you?” Maggie asks. “DJ spots are for residents only.” Grandpa Tom has been bamboozled!

Grandpa storms off, Amy on his heels. Grandpa is furious that Amy wants him to give up his whole life, while Amy insists that it’s inevitable. “Eventually, you’re going to have to give up the store,” she says. Grandpa glares at her. “Fool that I am, I thought that someone would step in and take the reins. Guess I was wrong.” Ouch.

Back at Pumpkin Everything (sigh). Kit is delighted to see Amy is still in town. He invites her to accompany him to a place called [checks notes] Fall Hill Farms. Amy delivers the following line, which I would like emblazoned on a t-shirt:

“I have not been to Fall Hill Farms since the last time I helped prep for Scarecrow Night.”

Nor have we all, Amy.

Over at Fall Hill Farms, Amy and Kit stroll together past rows of pumpkins. Amy gets a text from her agent, improbably offering to have her morning show interview taped on location at Pumpkin Everything. Amy’s excited. Kit asks the question we’re all thinking: “Hey, does that mean you’re going to be here for the scarecrow contest?”

They continue to walk together. Amy asks Kit if he ever feels like he needs to be in two places at once. Sure, Kit says, but the solution is to decide where you want to be. Such wisdom. Amy coos, “In this moment, I want to be here. My only wish is that Grandpa would recognize my writing as a career.”

I mean I get it. World peace is nice, but have you tried having your extended family appreciate your vampire stories?

Kit pushes Amy on a swing for awhile, and then they wind up somehow sitting in the bed of a truck next to a comically large genetically engineered pumpkin. They rehash all of their greatest conversation hits, again, for the 20th time. Amy wishes she could have been here for Kit when his mom died. Kit wishes he hadn’t hurt so many people and driven his own father out of town with his shitty behavior. (More info on that one, please!) Amy asks Kit what he would choose if he could have anything he wanted in life. “I think I'm starting to know the answer to that,” Kit says, “but it scares me a little.” They gaze into each other’s eyes.

[We pause here for a commercial break during which a promo is shown for an upcoming film called “Autumn in the City” and I am telling you that my husband loses his mind. “Wait. They can have AUTUMN in the CITY?” he shouts. “WE HAVE BEEN MISLED.”]

Back at Pumpkin Everything, Amy is filming her interview with the morning show in the shop’s front yard. Most of Autumnborough appears to have come out for the occasion. Grandpa, watching from the crowd, admires Amy’s ability to field the reporter’s questions on the spot. “It’s like she’s managing her own business,” he wonders aloud. Amy’s mom stares up at him, dead-eyed, like, obviously that is literally what she is doing.

Next we’re all over at the Scarecrow Contest, which you might think is a casual take-and-make kind of situation where you grab some materials and come back later with a whimsical straw man but you would be WRONG because this contest is TIMED and ruthless. I am telling you there are many long tables, each lined with contestants, and Kit barks orders at everyone and they frantically stuff straw into clothing and when the whole thing is over the winner has built 4 (four) actual complete scarecrows. Insane and, frankly, unsettling.

Afterwards, Grandpa and Amy relax on the porch at Pumpkin Everything. Grandpa is suddenly filled with fall spirit and apologizes to Amy for not being more supportive of her career. He tells Amy that he’s going to start carrying her books in the store, but that he would like to read them first so he can be familiar with what he’s selling. Amy’s like, of course, I happen to have a copy of the new book in my car, and she leaves to go get it. While she’s doing that, Grandpa notices a broken lightbulb, tries to fix it, and takes a hard fall. Chaos ensues. Back to the hospital we go.

At the hospital. Grandpa has some broken ribs but will be ok. Amy and her mom try again, AGAIN, to talk Grandpa into selling the store and moving to the magical senior center with its own radio station. Grandpa is resolute: it’s his life and he’s going to live it the way he chooses. Amy has had enough. She splits, crying, and heads back to the big city.

Days later, once Grandpa is discharged, Amy’s mom and Kit help him get settled back at home. Amy’s mom hands Grandpa some brochures about installing a ramp on the house. Grandpa is annoyed but says he’ll look at them tomorrow. Kit tells Grandpa he understands why it’s so hard for Grandpa to think about letting go of his home and business. “Aside from you,” he says, “no one needs Pumpkin Everything more than me. No matter what you decide, I will see to it that your life’s work will be forever honored in this town.” Grandpa says he will hold Kit to that. Kit goes to make some tea, and Grandpa cracks open his copy of Vampire Rising.

Meanwhile, over in the big city, Amy’s finishing up a book signing in a fancy book store. As the last of the assembled crowd leaves,a bookseller approaches her, ecstatic, and chirps, “We haven’t sold out at a signing in a long time!” Then, abruptly, the bookseller declares that she has to go decorate and starts to hang up a fall wreath in the store’s front window. Amy watches wistfully and is like “here, let me help,” and the bookseller is gobsmacked, all “someone like you has time to help with something like this?” and Amy gazes into the pumpkin spiced air and asks “Why can’t I do both?”

I don’t know why, Amy, I don’t make the rules. How is this movie still on?

Autumnborough. Grandpa’s had a change of heart, is touring the senior center, and is on the mic in the recording studio. That escalated quickly.

Big city. Amy’s agent calls to tell her there’s been one last stop added to the book tour: Autumnborough! Amy is dubious, like: “Really? It’s not like I have legions of fans there.” Amy’s agent says that the numerous phone calls she’s getting would beg to differ. And then she tells Amy, “your car is waiting.” As in, now. As in, five minutes ago you didn’t have a book signing in your hometown but now you do have a book signing in your hometown so please immediately climb into this unmarked chauffeur-driven towncar, Cinnamon Dolce Stephenie Meyer.

While Amy’s en route, Grandpa’s over at Pumpkin Everything handing a check over to Kit. “It’s all of last month’s online sales,” Grandpa says. “There’s enough in there for a down payment.” Kit, not the shiniest apple on the tree, protests that he doesn't need a new car. Grandpa is like no dude, not a down payment on a car, a down payment on a business. “You want ME to buy Pumpkin Everything?” Kit sputters. Grandpa’s eyes well up with happy tears. Congrats on being second choice, Kit.

Amy’s chariot drops her off in front of Pumpkin Everything just in time for Nightcap, the final event of Foliage Fest. Grandpa greets her. Amy asks if this is really a book signing and Grandpa admits that yes, it’s the only way he could get her to come. Plus, he says, he hates the way they left things. He apologizes for being unreasonable. Amy hugs him. “You’ll always be my hero, and there’s no one else in the world I would rather impress.”

Amy sits in a literal woven throne surrounded by squash as Grandpa introduces her to the audience. “I didn’t understand this vampire thing,” Grandpa says, “until I read the book and realized it was about a family man and how his want for the very best for his family blinds him to the passions of the very family he cherishes.”

Readers, I cannot.

After the signing, Grandpa breaks the news to Amy that he has sold Pumpkin Everything to Kit. Amy smiles and says “... of course.” Grandpa, she truly gives zero f*cks. Amy finds Kit and congratulates him. Kit tells Amy he’s scared of running a business. Amy skips like a page of script and non-sequiturs: “Here. Right now. This is where I want to be.” It makes absolutely no sense and there is no second take. They kiss, pause, turn their heads to see Grandpa, Amy’s mom, and Fall Man Luke from the Coffeeshop literally watching them make out, smile at each other, and resume kissing.