Vintage: Hallmark, 2015
Hallmark-approved summary: With big plans to leave their small Iowa town, teenage loves Annie and Ben elope. Their big city plans are halted, though, when Annie’s parents have the marriage annulled, and Annie stays behind in Iowa to help her family. Fifteen years later, when Annie is engaged in Iowa and Ben is engaged in New York, they discover that their annulment was never finalized. Annie and Ben reunite to make their divorce legal, but find themselves reminiscing about what could have been if they had stayed together. As romantic feelings resurface, Annie and Ben must decide if their past love could also be their destined future.
Actual summary: A Canadian film crew fetishizes the great state of Iowa.
Cast member prestige: Hallmark movie mainstay Jill Wagner is our female lead. She’s done time as a television host (ABC’s Wipeout), a lead actress (MTV’s Teen Wolf), and a “sketch performer” on Punk’d. Our male lead is Colin Egglesfield, who spent four years on All My Children and then played the role of “Astronaut” in the movie Bad Moms.
Action:
We open on cows. Because, have you heard? Iowa. But then the camera pans a bit, and there is significant elevation, and my husband is like, “This is Iowa for someone who has never seen Iowa.” We’re on our heroine Annie’s family farm, except it’s the past, and Annie’s but a wee teenager making out with her boyfriend Ben in the barn. Ben works on the farm, along with another boy named Joe, toiling away in the fields to see that the “harvest quota” is met. Ben and Annie’s makeout sesh is broken up by the arrival of Annie’s parents on the scene. Annie’s dad calls Annie his “little girl,” at which she bristles, and sends her inside to get cleaned up for the Harvest Festival Dance while the boys finish up their work.
Cut to the dance, where Annie and Ben slow dance while Joe sulks in the distance, watching Annie with unrequited-love-eyes. Ben and Annie giggle secretively, Ben whispering that they have to “leave right now” if their “plan” is going to work. Annie trots over to Joe and hands him an envelope, asking him to give it to her dad in 30 minutes, and then she and Ben split. Joe looks alarmed.
Next thing we know, Annie and Ben are in a church, alone except for an officiant, getting married. Like, still in their clothes from the dance. At night. Meaning… we are to believe that a small town Midwestern church would agree to preside over a secret elopement between two teenagers in their community. Got it.
Having been pronounced husband and wife, Ben and Annie scamper happily down the front steps of the church, just as Annie’s dad pulls up in the kind of bulbous orange truck that someone who has never seen Iowa believes that everyone in Iowa drives. Annie’s dad pronounces that Annie is too young to get married. What about her plans, her dreams? Ben counters that he has a job lined up in New York City (haaaaaaaaaa); they want him there in two days! Annie clings to Ben and weeps, “I want to go with him. I love him.” But Dad’s not having it. He declares that he knows what’s best for Annie, and that Ben isn’t it. He holds out his hand to his daughter and she, because it’s Hallmark, takes it. Dad pulls Annie away from Ben and tells him “I’ll send your pay along with the annulment papers.” Stone cold, Dad!
At this point, I check the clock. Only five minutes of movie have passed.
We flash forward fifteen years. Grown Annie disembarks from a big green tractor, and grown farmhand Joe approaches with an outstretched hand. Turns out that Annie and Joe are engaged, and Annie has removed her engagement ring again! Annie says it feels weird to wear something so pretty when she is “up to her elbows in farming all day,” something that someone who has never known a farmer believes that a farmer says. Joe puts the ring back on her finger but says he’ll make her a deal: he won’t worry about the ring, if Annie will agree to set a wedding date. They’ve been engaged for two years at this point, and Annie’s been so busy (working on her doctoral research, applying for a farm grant) that she’s just had no time for wedding planning. “How am I supposed to revolutionize farming and look for a wedding dress at the same time?” she somehow says out loud without laughing. She agrees, finally, to a wedding in one month, since fall is her favorite season.
Annie’s mom approaches the happy couple and they tell her about the wedding date. Mom says Annie’s dad would’ve been so proud, so apparently he’s died? Mom hands Annie an official-looking letter that just arrived; Annie opens it and makes a WTF face. “Oh… it’s nothing… the grant foundation just wants some more information about my study,” she hems and haws, before excusing herself to hurry indoors where we learn that the letter… is divorce papers!
Annie and Ben are still married! Annie had no idea! Annie has to appear in a New York City court in two days or face contempt of court! Annie tells her mom, asking “What do I tell Joe? I never had the heart to tell him that Ben and I even got married back then.” Mom tells Annie she should lie to Joe that the grant foundation needs her to attend a meeting in NYC. Which she does.
Flash to NYC. Annie gets out of a cab in front of a skyscraper, looks around, and says, “Well, I’m not in Iowa anymore.” Gross. Entering the giant building, Annie packs into an elevator with a pack of Big City Ladies who are saying Big City Lady stuff. One of the ladies is talking about her impending wedding and the “appalling” flower options she was presented. The ladies cluck and cackle and then exit the elevator, leaving Annie to remark under her breath, “I pity the poor groom.” I WONDER IF THIS STATEMENT WILL TURN OUT TO BE IRONIC IN SOME WAY. Annie gets off the elevator at the office of one Anthony McCallister, Attorney at Law, the person with whom she is to meet regarding her impending divorce, and there… is Ben. Who also works there. Doing something corporate that is never quite explained. Ben and Annie awkwardly hug, all “heyyyyy so we’re married,” and then Ben and Lawyer Anthony have to run to an emergency meeting to “go finish a deal.” They put Annie up in “the corporate suite” while they attend to business, with promises to meet up afterward.
Later, Annie meets Ben and Lawyer Anthony in a cafe, where Lawyer Anthony reveals all they know: because somehow Annie’s dad never filed their annulment, Annie and Ben are still married in the eyes of the law. Annie is like “this is problematic because I’m getting married in a month.” And Ben is like “this is further problematic because I am getting married this Saturday.” Anthony tells them that they both have to show up in court tomorrow to give testimony that will hopefully grant them their divorce.
The next morning, at Ben’s fancy apartment, we learn that the woman he is marrying on Saturday is, in fact, the Big City Lady from the elevator! Her name is Giovanna Jorgensen and she is an architect who wants to redo Ben’s apartment to make it “clean, modern, and bold.” But what, Ben asks, will become of his grandmother’s antique chest? Giovanna, that heartless NYC career woman, is like “it’s not in my vision.” We hate her instantly, because we follow the rules.
Annie DOESN’T follow the rules, which is why she buys a coffee for Hector, the driver of the limo Ben sent to pick her up. Hector is charmed and asks Annie how she liked the corporate suite. Annie says it was a little cold and sterile, and that she was distracted by all the honking and sirens. “We don’t have that in Iowa,” she [ridiculously] says.
Next stop: courtroom. Anthony, representing Ben, asks the judge to grant an immediate divorce, “citing special circumstances” since Ben is supposed to be getting married this weekend. The judge is all “how did this happen?” and Ben goes off-script, waxing nostalgic about how he had wanted to stay married to Annie back in the day but reluctantly signed the annulment papers under duress, sighing about how he never heard from Annie again. At that, Annie balks, and the two start bickering across the courtroom about who did or did not show up at a bus stop fifteen years ago. Annie storms out, and the judge says they should all come back on Monday.
Outside on the courthouse steps, Annie and Ben have an impromptu heart-to-heart. Ben reveals that the reason he got on the aforementioned bus (to… New York, one assumes?) was because Annie never showed up. Annie reveals she never showed up because her dad had a heart attack that day, the first of many. Lawyer Anthony is like, that’s great, but what are we going to do about the whole getting-married-before-the-divorce-is-final thing? He proposes that Ben secretly have Giovanna sign a fake wedding certificate on Saturday, and then he will somehow fix that paperwork after Annie and Ben’s divorce is final. Giovanna will never need to know.
Annie says that whatever they do, they need to do it quickly so she can get back to working on her dissertation, which is on “agricultural chemistry with an emphasis on biotechnology.” Ben offers her a conference room table to work at while she’s stuck in New York, and she agrees.
But wait: Giovanna is unexpectedly called away on a work emergency to Chicago! She promises Ben she’ll be back in time for the rehearsal. Ben kisses her and wishes her good luck on her trip and asks her to hurry back, and then as soon as she’s gone is all “how convenient, now I can hang out with my SECRET ACTUAL WIFE.”
Next thing we know, Ben is taking Annie on a tour of NYC. Hector drives the limo while Annie looks out the window in wonder. “There’s so many people here!” she says like a 5-yr-old. They stop in a cafe in Manhattan, but when Ben proposes that they head uptown for dinner Annie protests that she would rather go somewhere she won’t “feel like a fool for using the wrong fork.” Ben says he knows the perfect place, and then -- using a tone of voice implying that he is taking her to an electrified skate park on Mars -- instructs Hector to take them to Brooklyn. Where they get pizza from a food truck. Ben makes a show of dramatically folding his pizza slice “Brooklyn-style,” except that said pizza slice is clearly from Dominoes and just kind of oddly squishes in his hand. In the limo afterwards, Annie puts her head on Ben’s shoulder and Hector smiles at them in the rearview mirror like a creeper.
The next day Ben and Annie have a picnic in Central Park. Annie says she always thought NYC was just a bunch of big buildings, because people in Iowa have neither television nor the internet. Ben responds, “this place always reminds me of Iowa.” Later, they enjoy champagne on the terrace at Ben’s apartment. Annie talks about the grant she’s seeking for her doctoral research, through which she hopes to eliminate the need for pesticides. Ben says that he envies Annie for following her passion, and wonders aloud what would have happened if he stayed in Iowa. “I’m glad you’re back in my life,” he says, “because you remind me of who I really am… or who I want to be.” Annie withdraws, saying she doesn’t think they can be in each other’s lives; after all, they’re both marrying other people. Ben’s not hearing it, and kisses her. Annie bolts.
And I mean, she really bolts, because the next morning Joe calls and he’s freaking out. “Listen Annie,” he yells into the phone, “bad news! There’s a big storm heading our way! If the river rises, we can lose the crops!” Annie, who apparently has some power over said rising river, says she’ll get on the next flight home. She tells Ben, over his protests, that she has to leave, and asks him to have Lawyer Anthony send her the divorce papers whenever they’re finally ready.
Ben is sad. Ben breaks up with Giovanna. And when next we see him, he’s buying a takeout coffee in view of a newspaper bearing the headline “Bride Cancels Wedding of the Season.” On what appears to be the front page. Of a print publication in [checks notes] New York City, New York.
Flash to a sunny morning on Annie’s farm, post-storm. Mom expositions to Annie: “that was quite a storm. I think we saved most of our crops though.” Ok, then. Glad that worked out. Annie’s still worried about the grant not coming through.
Flash again, this time back to our NYC courtroom. The judge is mad that Annie is a no-show, but Ben tries to mollify her with a heartfelt speech: “I’m not planning on getting married anytime soon, but I’m begging the court to grant the divorce so Annie can get married. She deserves to be happy.” The soundtrack music swells, but the judge is unmoved. Request denied; she needs to hear from both parties.
Back on the farm, Annie’s telling Joe the truth. What Joe lacks in pride and self-respect, he makes up for with obliviousness. “I don’t mind waiting for the divorce to come through,” he says. “You and I are like a well-oiled machine.” Annie’s like, yeah, exactly, let’s break up, then. She says that what she feels for him is gratitude for a lifetime of support, which is not the kind of love you should build a marriage on. She gives him back the ring.
And then: it’s harvest day! We see a montage of farm machinery and corn, after which we see Annie standing in front of a tractor surrounded by 6-7 smiling young men wearing button-down shirts. Annie announces to this assembled crowd that in spite of the storm, “we met our quota!” Everyone cheers. They all get ready to head out to the Harvest Festival that evening. There is a dance happening -- the same dance Annie and Ben attended so many years before -- but this time Annie doesn’t feel much like dancing.
OR DOES SHE?
Did you have “Ben flies to Iowa along with his hired help” on your Hallmark BINGO card? He shows up, Annie sees him, and they share a dance while Annie’s mother, Hector the limo driver, and -- I kid you not -- JOE stand around watching them. Afterwards, they go outside to talk, revealing that they both ended their respective engagements, and they kiss. Ben wants to invest in Annie’s research! And look: there’s Lawyer Anthony! He drove here from New York with signed divorce papers from the judge! Silly Anthony -- try and keep up. Annie and Ben rip up the divorce papers, and then Ben gets down on one knee. “Will you marry me again?”
Rating: 6 of 10 pumpkins for lady-farmers doing it for themselves, Big City travels, and a fall theme that doesn’t beat you over the head with a pumpkin spice anvil. Warning for faux-Midwestern insanity and questionable lawyering.
Hallmark-approved summary: With big plans to leave their small Iowa town, teenage loves Annie and Ben elope. Their big city plans are halted, though, when Annie’s parents have the marriage annulled, and Annie stays behind in Iowa to help her family. Fifteen years later, when Annie is engaged in Iowa and Ben is engaged in New York, they discover that their annulment was never finalized. Annie and Ben reunite to make their divorce legal, but find themselves reminiscing about what could have been if they had stayed together. As romantic feelings resurface, Annie and Ben must decide if their past love could also be their destined future.
Actual summary: A Canadian film crew fetishizes the great state of Iowa.
Cast member prestige: Hallmark movie mainstay Jill Wagner is our female lead. She’s done time as a television host (ABC’s Wipeout), a lead actress (MTV’s Teen Wolf), and a “sketch performer” on Punk’d. Our male lead is Colin Egglesfield, who spent four years on All My Children and then played the role of “Astronaut” in the movie Bad Moms.
Action:
We open on cows. Because, have you heard? Iowa. But then the camera pans a bit, and there is significant elevation, and my husband is like, “This is Iowa for someone who has never seen Iowa.” We’re on our heroine Annie’s family farm, except it’s the past, and Annie’s but a wee teenager making out with her boyfriend Ben in the barn. Ben works on the farm, along with another boy named Joe, toiling away in the fields to see that the “harvest quota” is met. Ben and Annie’s makeout sesh is broken up by the arrival of Annie’s parents on the scene. Annie’s dad calls Annie his “little girl,” at which she bristles, and sends her inside to get cleaned up for the Harvest Festival Dance while the boys finish up their work.
Cut to the dance, where Annie and Ben slow dance while Joe sulks in the distance, watching Annie with unrequited-love-eyes. Ben and Annie giggle secretively, Ben whispering that they have to “leave right now” if their “plan” is going to work. Annie trots over to Joe and hands him an envelope, asking him to give it to her dad in 30 minutes, and then she and Ben split. Joe looks alarmed.
Next thing we know, Annie and Ben are in a church, alone except for an officiant, getting married. Like, still in their clothes from the dance. At night. Meaning… we are to believe that a small town Midwestern church would agree to preside over a secret elopement between two teenagers in their community. Got it.
Having been pronounced husband and wife, Ben and Annie scamper happily down the front steps of the church, just as Annie’s dad pulls up in the kind of bulbous orange truck that someone who has never seen Iowa believes that everyone in Iowa drives. Annie’s dad pronounces that Annie is too young to get married. What about her plans, her dreams? Ben counters that he has a job lined up in New York City (haaaaaaaaaa); they want him there in two days! Annie clings to Ben and weeps, “I want to go with him. I love him.” But Dad’s not having it. He declares that he knows what’s best for Annie, and that Ben isn’t it. He holds out his hand to his daughter and she, because it’s Hallmark, takes it. Dad pulls Annie away from Ben and tells him “I’ll send your pay along with the annulment papers.” Stone cold, Dad!
At this point, I check the clock. Only five minutes of movie have passed.
We flash forward fifteen years. Grown Annie disembarks from a big green tractor, and grown farmhand Joe approaches with an outstretched hand. Turns out that Annie and Joe are engaged, and Annie has removed her engagement ring again! Annie says it feels weird to wear something so pretty when she is “up to her elbows in farming all day,” something that someone who has never known a farmer believes that a farmer says. Joe puts the ring back on her finger but says he’ll make her a deal: he won’t worry about the ring, if Annie will agree to set a wedding date. They’ve been engaged for two years at this point, and Annie’s been so busy (working on her doctoral research, applying for a farm grant) that she’s just had no time for wedding planning. “How am I supposed to revolutionize farming and look for a wedding dress at the same time?” she somehow says out loud without laughing. She agrees, finally, to a wedding in one month, since fall is her favorite season.
Annie’s mom approaches the happy couple and they tell her about the wedding date. Mom says Annie’s dad would’ve been so proud, so apparently he’s died? Mom hands Annie an official-looking letter that just arrived; Annie opens it and makes a WTF face. “Oh… it’s nothing… the grant foundation just wants some more information about my study,” she hems and haws, before excusing herself to hurry indoors where we learn that the letter… is divorce papers!
Annie and Ben are still married! Annie had no idea! Annie has to appear in a New York City court in two days or face contempt of court! Annie tells her mom, asking “What do I tell Joe? I never had the heart to tell him that Ben and I even got married back then.” Mom tells Annie she should lie to Joe that the grant foundation needs her to attend a meeting in NYC. Which she does.
Flash to NYC. Annie gets out of a cab in front of a skyscraper, looks around, and says, “Well, I’m not in Iowa anymore.” Gross. Entering the giant building, Annie packs into an elevator with a pack of Big City Ladies who are saying Big City Lady stuff. One of the ladies is talking about her impending wedding and the “appalling” flower options she was presented. The ladies cluck and cackle and then exit the elevator, leaving Annie to remark under her breath, “I pity the poor groom.” I WONDER IF THIS STATEMENT WILL TURN OUT TO BE IRONIC IN SOME WAY. Annie gets off the elevator at the office of one Anthony McCallister, Attorney at Law, the person with whom she is to meet regarding her impending divorce, and there… is Ben. Who also works there. Doing something corporate that is never quite explained. Ben and Annie awkwardly hug, all “heyyyyy so we’re married,” and then Ben and Lawyer Anthony have to run to an emergency meeting to “go finish a deal.” They put Annie up in “the corporate suite” while they attend to business, with promises to meet up afterward.
Later, Annie meets Ben and Lawyer Anthony in a cafe, where Lawyer Anthony reveals all they know: because somehow Annie’s dad never filed their annulment, Annie and Ben are still married in the eyes of the law. Annie is like “this is problematic because I’m getting married in a month.” And Ben is like “this is further problematic because I am getting married this Saturday.” Anthony tells them that they both have to show up in court tomorrow to give testimony that will hopefully grant them their divorce.
The next morning, at Ben’s fancy apartment, we learn that the woman he is marrying on Saturday is, in fact, the Big City Lady from the elevator! Her name is Giovanna Jorgensen and she is an architect who wants to redo Ben’s apartment to make it “clean, modern, and bold.” But what, Ben asks, will become of his grandmother’s antique chest? Giovanna, that heartless NYC career woman, is like “it’s not in my vision.” We hate her instantly, because we follow the rules.
Annie DOESN’T follow the rules, which is why she buys a coffee for Hector, the driver of the limo Ben sent to pick her up. Hector is charmed and asks Annie how she liked the corporate suite. Annie says it was a little cold and sterile, and that she was distracted by all the honking and sirens. “We don’t have that in Iowa,” she [ridiculously] says.
Next stop: courtroom. Anthony, representing Ben, asks the judge to grant an immediate divorce, “citing special circumstances” since Ben is supposed to be getting married this weekend. The judge is all “how did this happen?” and Ben goes off-script, waxing nostalgic about how he had wanted to stay married to Annie back in the day but reluctantly signed the annulment papers under duress, sighing about how he never heard from Annie again. At that, Annie balks, and the two start bickering across the courtroom about who did or did not show up at a bus stop fifteen years ago. Annie storms out, and the judge says they should all come back on Monday.
Outside on the courthouse steps, Annie and Ben have an impromptu heart-to-heart. Ben reveals that the reason he got on the aforementioned bus (to… New York, one assumes?) was because Annie never showed up. Annie reveals she never showed up because her dad had a heart attack that day, the first of many. Lawyer Anthony is like, that’s great, but what are we going to do about the whole getting-married-before-the-divorce-is-final thing? He proposes that Ben secretly have Giovanna sign a fake wedding certificate on Saturday, and then he will somehow fix that paperwork after Annie and Ben’s divorce is final. Giovanna will never need to know.
Annie says that whatever they do, they need to do it quickly so she can get back to working on her dissertation, which is on “agricultural chemistry with an emphasis on biotechnology.” Ben offers her a conference room table to work at while she’s stuck in New York, and she agrees.
But wait: Giovanna is unexpectedly called away on a work emergency to Chicago! She promises Ben she’ll be back in time for the rehearsal. Ben kisses her and wishes her good luck on her trip and asks her to hurry back, and then as soon as she’s gone is all “how convenient, now I can hang out with my SECRET ACTUAL WIFE.”
Next thing we know, Ben is taking Annie on a tour of NYC. Hector drives the limo while Annie looks out the window in wonder. “There’s so many people here!” she says like a 5-yr-old. They stop in a cafe in Manhattan, but when Ben proposes that they head uptown for dinner Annie protests that she would rather go somewhere she won’t “feel like a fool for using the wrong fork.” Ben says he knows the perfect place, and then -- using a tone of voice implying that he is taking her to an electrified skate park on Mars -- instructs Hector to take them to Brooklyn. Where they get pizza from a food truck. Ben makes a show of dramatically folding his pizza slice “Brooklyn-style,” except that said pizza slice is clearly from Dominoes and just kind of oddly squishes in his hand. In the limo afterwards, Annie puts her head on Ben’s shoulder and Hector smiles at them in the rearview mirror like a creeper.
The next day Ben and Annie have a picnic in Central Park. Annie says she always thought NYC was just a bunch of big buildings, because people in Iowa have neither television nor the internet. Ben responds, “this place always reminds me of Iowa.” Later, they enjoy champagne on the terrace at Ben’s apartment. Annie talks about the grant she’s seeking for her doctoral research, through which she hopes to eliminate the need for pesticides. Ben says that he envies Annie for following her passion, and wonders aloud what would have happened if he stayed in Iowa. “I’m glad you’re back in my life,” he says, “because you remind me of who I really am… or who I want to be.” Annie withdraws, saying she doesn’t think they can be in each other’s lives; after all, they’re both marrying other people. Ben’s not hearing it, and kisses her. Annie bolts.
And I mean, she really bolts, because the next morning Joe calls and he’s freaking out. “Listen Annie,” he yells into the phone, “bad news! There’s a big storm heading our way! If the river rises, we can lose the crops!” Annie, who apparently has some power over said rising river, says she’ll get on the next flight home. She tells Ben, over his protests, that she has to leave, and asks him to have Lawyer Anthony send her the divorce papers whenever they’re finally ready.
Ben is sad. Ben breaks up with Giovanna. And when next we see him, he’s buying a takeout coffee in view of a newspaper bearing the headline “Bride Cancels Wedding of the Season.” On what appears to be the front page. Of a print publication in [checks notes] New York City, New York.
Flash to a sunny morning on Annie’s farm, post-storm. Mom expositions to Annie: “that was quite a storm. I think we saved most of our crops though.” Ok, then. Glad that worked out. Annie’s still worried about the grant not coming through.
Flash again, this time back to our NYC courtroom. The judge is mad that Annie is a no-show, but Ben tries to mollify her with a heartfelt speech: “I’m not planning on getting married anytime soon, but I’m begging the court to grant the divorce so Annie can get married. She deserves to be happy.” The soundtrack music swells, but the judge is unmoved. Request denied; she needs to hear from both parties.
Back on the farm, Annie’s telling Joe the truth. What Joe lacks in pride and self-respect, he makes up for with obliviousness. “I don’t mind waiting for the divorce to come through,” he says. “You and I are like a well-oiled machine.” Annie’s like, yeah, exactly, let’s break up, then. She says that what she feels for him is gratitude for a lifetime of support, which is not the kind of love you should build a marriage on. She gives him back the ring.
And then: it’s harvest day! We see a montage of farm machinery and corn, after which we see Annie standing in front of a tractor surrounded by 6-7 smiling young men wearing button-down shirts. Annie announces to this assembled crowd that in spite of the storm, “we met our quota!” Everyone cheers. They all get ready to head out to the Harvest Festival that evening. There is a dance happening -- the same dance Annie and Ben attended so many years before -- but this time Annie doesn’t feel much like dancing.
OR DOES SHE?
Did you have “Ben flies to Iowa along with his hired help” on your Hallmark BINGO card? He shows up, Annie sees him, and they share a dance while Annie’s mother, Hector the limo driver, and -- I kid you not -- JOE stand around watching them. Afterwards, they go outside to talk, revealing that they both ended their respective engagements, and they kiss. Ben wants to invest in Annie’s research! And look: there’s Lawyer Anthony! He drove here from New York with signed divorce papers from the judge! Silly Anthony -- try and keep up. Annie and Ben rip up the divorce papers, and then Ben gets down on one knee. “Will you marry me again?”
Rating: 6 of 10 pumpkins for lady-farmers doing it for themselves, Big City travels, and a fall theme that doesn’t beat you over the head with a pumpkin spice anvil. Warning for faux-Midwestern insanity and questionable lawyering.
The lawyering and judging in this case are all grounds for disbarment. It should lose 2 pumpkins because a) no marriage is legal without witnesses besides the presiding officiant so there cannot be papers that support the wedding, b) if the paperwork wasn't sent before the teens left the building then the state would not have record of a marriage, c) even if the paperwork was finalized to Iowa legal standards, the new york judge has no grounds on which to deny the no contest divorce, d) no showing a court date in a divorce is, in fact, a reason to grant a divorce for the party that filed, and e) a lawyer who works for an investment bank (which is what Hallmark man and his lawyer seem to do) should never represent someone in a family law matter because it's not their field of expertise so they don't know what they're doing and it's malpractice 101 to avoid taking on clients in a matter where you cannot seem to learn the law. Just ask a damn attorney.
ReplyDeleteThe easier way to delay the judicial procedures is to have the judge's calendar to be booked for months and then have a trial run over when it looks like there might be a surprise opening in her schedule for a quick divorce proceeding. I don't know why no one asks me to rewrite one of these...
Funny story about Iowa being flat...my 1st year roommate took me home for fall break and I took a picture out the window to show family how flat it was, and she said, "Wait, it's not flat enough!" and I said, "Um...yeah, it is." (See: "Iowa for someone who's never seen Iowa.")
ReplyDelete