Summary: An urban family that can’t seem to get along gets stranded in a remote, impoverished lumber town two days before Christmas. When they become involved in the town’s home-grown Christmas pageant, they not only help solve the town’s problems but learn to connect with each other just in time for the holidays.
Cast member prestige: Family matriarch Annie Benson is played by Lauren Holly, arguably best known for her fine work in my father’s favorite movie, Dumb and Dumber. Those in the know, however (meaning me and Laurie and no one else) recognize and celebrate her role as the ballet school headmistress who sleeps with her students in Netflix’s adaptation of the YA book Tiny Pretty Things. Family patriarch Charles Benson is played by a Canadian named Rick Roberts.
Action:
We open on a car navigating a snowy mountain pass. The car’s passengers, the Benson family, are on their way to a Colorado resort for a short break from their busy Urban Life in the Big Urban City. Mom Annie Benson, sitting in the passenger seat, sets the tone for the film by business-lady-ing this amazing opening line of dialogue: “Whatever it takes! This deal HAS to happen!” Her cherub son looks wistfully out the window at the falling snow.
Suddenly Annie’s phone goes dead. She waves it around, angrily. “What do you mean no service? This is supposed to be satellite digital!” she shouts from the past. The children, Trish and Nolan, begin to bicker in the backseat. But then: oh no! The car slows to a stop and refuses to budge. Little Nolan takes out a road map and sees that the nearest town is 70 miles away. Dad Charlie gets out and pops the hood. All hope seems lost.
Until: out of the snowy haze appears a kindly face. A man, Coleman! Who just happens to be a mechanic! Coleman the magic mechanic offers to tow the Benson family eight miles into town. Little Nolan makes a face, all “what town?” to which Coleman replies with a shrug: “Oh, we stopped putting it on maps about five years ago.” Is that… a thing that you can do? Just, like, opt out? Of maps?
Coleman drives the Bensons into town, past a dilapidated sign that reads “Welcome to Nowhere.” The town appears to be semi-abandoned, with lots of boarded up storefronts and for-sale signs in its little downtown strip. According to Coleman, Nowhere (yes, that’s it’s actual name, DO YOU GET IT) has been slowly dying ever since the coal mine closed down about five years ago. Coleman tells the Bensons that he’ll have their car up and running by the afternoon, and suggests that they wait out the rest of the morning in the town’s only cafe. He leads them to the cafe’s front door, where they see a homemade flyer advertising an upcoming Christmas pageant. “Gross!” snarks teenager Trish. Harsh!
The cafe’s regulars all look up from their cups and stare at the Bensons as they walk in and sit down in a booth. A waitress, Sam, comes over cheerfully, offering coffee. Because this is a Hallmark movie and we need to understand that people who live in cities are assholes, Annie dismissively orders a “nonfat double shot rice milk latte.” Because we also need to understand that people who live in rural areas are just the slightest bit dim, Sam the waitress’ mouth drops open and she just stands there staring at them, confused. Charles leans over, says two coffees will be fine.
Sam pours their drinks while chatting away to the Bensons about the aforementioned upcoming town Christmas pageant. Sam’s the pageant coordinator, see, and she assures them that it’s going to be “a real hoot,” with singing and dancing and even something called a “chicken handler.” But just then a man bursts through the cafe’s front door; he has ripped down the pageant flyer and is waving it angrily in the air. “Sam,” he shouts, “I thought I told you no Christmas pageant!”
Sam starts to protest, but the man goes on, helpfully informing us: “I’m the mayor of this town, and I say no pageant we can’t afford.” Sam, meek as Tiny Tim, murmurs: “But what about Christmas?” Mayor McVillain shoots back: “Christmas is for other people.”
The mayor leaves, and - hey, Coleman’s back! I guess that means the car is fixed as promised and the Bensons will be on their way, right? Wrong! Turns out it’s going to take two whole days for the parts to come in, so the Bensons are stuck here in Nowhere until then. Because people in cities don’t watch made for TV movies, the Bensons are shocked at this turn of events. Coleman takes them over to the only hotel in town, where everyone is horrified at their room’s twin beds, wood panels, and nonfunctioning tube TV. Trish snots that she’s going to sleep in the car. Charles, rather than taking the opportunity to teach his kids a lesson in humility, looks around and pronounces: “If we keep our shoes on and don’t use the bathroom, we’ll have a good time in here.” NICE, DAD.
A little later, Charles wanders back over to the cafe, hoping to find Coleman. Sam points him in the direction of the Legion, where she says he’ll find Coleman cooking and serving meals for some of Nowhere’s less fortunate. Coleman, Sam reports, “is the walking spirit of Christmas.” Charles heads over to the Legion, where he finds said spirit of Christmas chopping veggies while singing Jingle Bells to himself. Clearly moved by this tender holiday moment, Charles steps in, approaches Coleman, and… asks him if there’s any way that the car could be fixed more quickly.
[“RUDE,” my two minor children admonish in unison.]
Coleman is like nope. Charles, to his credit, recovers and asks if he can help Coleman serve the food.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the phone lines have all been knocked out by the snowstorm. Annie’s losing her business-lady mojo by the minute and she NEEDS to find a way to get in touch with her office. She asks Trish to keep an eye on Nolan so she can go hunt down a working phone. Trish is not psyched by this plan. “What if something happens?” she whines. “Don’t worry,” Annie says, rolling her eyes. “I have a feeling that nothing has happened here in a very long time.” These people make me feel like I am the world’s greatest parent, even though 75% of my kids’ vocabulary consists of fart jokes and references to “your mom.”
Annie heads out to the cafe, where Sam appears to be directing a Christmas pageant rehearsal in the back. No, there’s not a working phone here either, but might Annie be willing to stay and share her Big City Opinions on what they’ve worked up for the pageant so far? Annie is willing, but not enthused. Sam and a band of middle-aged white women dance earnestly to canned Christmas music while Annie watches, clearly aghast. “That was good,” she stammers when the dancing stops. Sam asks her to be honest. Annie steps closer. “It needs work. A LOT of work,” she whispers intensely. Sam stares back, wide-eyed, before saying – I kid you not – the following:
“Well you get paid thousands of dollars, so that means you must know something about everything. Plus you’re the only one here who’s ever seen a real musical. Will you help?”
Back at the hotel, Trish and Nolan are bored of just sitting around and have decided to head out on the town themselves. They walk over to the [clearly too large for a town that doesn’t even appear on maps, but ok] local high school, let themselves in, and find a band of teenage boys with electric guitars practicing a rockin’ version of Deck the Halls in the gymnasium. As one does.
When the boys finish playing, Trish openly mocks them as is the Benson family way. “Great comedy act,” she snots at the faultless strangers whose private rehearsal she interrupted. The lead guitarist boy challenges her to come up and do better, if she knows so much about music. Trish spews some word vomit about power chords and beats per minute and the boy, instead of congratulating her on completing 3 months of piano lessons from her neighbor, is IMPRESSED and asks Trish to stay and help them practice. She agrees and sends Nolan back to the hotel alone, because she’s not just a dick, she’s also a terrible babysitter.
Nolan doesn’t go back to the hotel, though. He gets distracted by the sight of an abandoned toy store called Toy Town. He lets himself in [my GOD what is with you people?] but then immediately runs back out when he sees an angry looking bearded man standing inside.
Back at the hotel, Annie is now leading Sam and her corps de ballet in a dance lesson. “I used to dance,” she tells Sam with faux-humility, while imparting her choreography genius in the form of a box step, a step that I totally ruled at in high school swing choir so I guess I’m basically a professional now. Sam and the ladies are impressed. Sam asks Annie why she stopped dancing and Annie, looking off into the middle-distance, breathes: “Life happened.”
Hey, remember Charles and Coleman? They’ve finished feeding the less fortunate at the Legion and now they’re bringing a container of food over to the mostly abandoned coal mine for Coleman’s friend Vincent. They arrive to find Vincent gone, but while Coleman is looking around, the rotten floor beneath his feet gives way and he plummets into the mine. Charles, flipping out, runs back to Coleman’s truck and grabs handfuls of random crap, which he then uses to BUILD A PULLEY and lower himself into the mine. Coleman is fine because devastating falls can’t hurt the living spirit of Christmas. The two men cuddle up at the bottom of the abandoned coal mine and talk, Coleman sharing how there were plans to build a ski resort in place of the mine but the mayor wasn’t able to secure funding. Could you guys maybe talk about this…later, do you think?
We cut back over to the cafe, where Annie continues to lead dance rehearsal. The mayor bursts in, waving another ripped flyer in the air, and shouting “I thought I made it clear! NO PAGEANT!” Sam is not having it, yelling right back at him. “We need this pageant to help us forget about how bad things are,” she implores. Sure, that seems healthy and fine. The mayor is snarly. “Mark my words, ladies,” he Grinches, “there won’t be a Christmas pageant this year… OR EVER AGAIN.” He storms out.
At the coal mine, Charles and Coleman finally end their heart-to-heart and start the business of hoisting themselves out of the mine. Charles helps Coleman to his feet and into the pulley he constructed. “Where did you learn to do this?” Coleman asks. Charles, hilariously, replies: “Sailing school. I have a 40-foot schooner back home.” Haaaaaaa ok moneybags, that is an impressive and productive yuppie flex and I’m here for it.
Meanwhile over at Toy Town, Nolan is back and letting himself in AGAIN. He finds an impressive working train set on a table in the center of the room and, naturally, helps himself to it, the world being his oyster and all. The bearded man steps into the room and yells “Stop! This is private property!” Hell yeah it is, bearded man. Nolan says he’s sorry, but he’s never seen a train like this before. Bearded man is all “it’s expensive and not for kids,” then repeats his demand that Nolan leave the property.
Nolan begs forgiveness, leaves immediately, goes back to the hotel and writes in his journal about the importance of respecting boundaries. JUST KIDDING, he actually screams “This is a toy store! Toys are for kids!” and then slams the front door of the toy store and stomps away with the indignation of the grievously wronged.
At the cafe, the mayor makes good on his threat, barging into pageant practice and announcing grandly: “As Mayor of Nowhere, I’m shutting this show down.” Turns out the pageant is operating in violation of a town law that requires a permit for gatherings, or something, I honestly wasn’t listening. Annie gets all up in the mayor’s face, saying “Look at these ladies! They’re dancers! All they want to do is get up on stage and give your town hope!”
The mayor is stone faced. “Ma’am you’re not from around here. Nowhere is all out of hope. The last thing we need is a couple of fancy yuppies telling us what to do. Why cancel the pageant? Because it’s a dream and we can’t afford dreams anymore.”
I mean… I get it, but… it’s a Christmas pageant? I haven’t seen the chicken handler, sure, but I’ve seen the dancers and I’m pretty sure you’ve got the budget to cover it.
The mayor, his cronies, and all the dancers file out of the cafe, leaving Annie and Sam to sit down together, looking forlorn. Annie is like “what is WITH that guy?” Sam fills Annie in on how hard the mayor worked to try and get the coal company to stay in Nowhere. When that didn’t work, he tried to find funding to turn the mountain into a ski resort, but no bank would loan them the money they needed. He feels responsible for the town’s demise. Annie says they should keep trying to get funding, but Sam says “no one wants to try anymore.”
Over at Nowhere High School, Trish has been busily rocking out with the Deck the Halls teenagers. Lead guitar boy is happy, telling Trish, “you whipped us into almost passable shape.” Then he asks her if she wants to go out for coffee. Trish asks, “You got mochas here?” Lead guitar boy, being a simple rural soul, replies: “What’s that?”
For f*ck’s sake, Hallmark.
At Toy Town, good old Nolan is back for round 3, letting himself in again to the sound of the store’s helpless owner calling out, “What do you want?” Nolan says he wants to see the train run. The bearded man says no, calls the police, and has Nolan forcibly removed from the premises. JUST KIDDING he actually surrenders, starts up his super expensive electric train set, and hands over the controls to the child who has thrice broken into his shop. Afterwards, Nolan tries to convince the bearded man to dress as Santa for the Christmas pageant.
Back at the cafe, Annie is hanging out at the counter with Sam, waxing poetic about how happy and relaxed her family members all seem to be here in Nowhere. She coos that Charles is off serving food to the homeless [nearly dying in a mine], Trish is “acting like she’s lived here all her life” [bossing around strangers until Stockholm Syndrome takes hold], and Nolan is “out playing” [breaking and entering] instead of staring at video games. Sam, oblivious, replies that “it’s called a holiday. The world needs a chance to spend time with family and friends.” Annie shoots back: “We’ve never had a holiday like this before.”
Just then, Charles and Coleman walk in, covered in soot. Coleman reports that Charles saved his life, and the Benson family all embrace. Then Coleman inexplicably announces that he saw his cousin outside [when? where? how?] and guess what? The parts for the Bensons’ vehicle have arrived! The car will be fixed and ready to go in a couple of hours.
Later, night has fallen and the Benson family is finally hitting the road. Sam brings them meatloaf sandwiches for the road (hardly practical, but ok) and assures Annie that the pageant will still go on. Everyone hugs and wishes each other a merry Christmas. With Trish uncharacteristically tearing up in the back seat, the car heads out of town.
After an undetermined amount of time, the family pulls into a gas station. Delighted, Annie takes out her phone and finds that it has service! She listens to her messages while Dad sits there, looking thoughtful. “Something’s missing,” he finally muses aloud. “What happened back there in Nowhere? I have a feeling we should do something to help them.” Mom agrees, telling him, “You’re certainly in a position to help.”
We cut to the pageant, already in progress. I guess it’s happening, then! The chicken handler is not having an easy time wrangling her chicken. The crowd seems somewhat disgruntled, and Sam stands backstage, watching and worrying about “not letting the mayor be right.” Speaking of the mayor… he’s there. Like, in the audience. Just sitting peacefully and watching the pageant he expressly condemned and declared illegal.
A child magician performs. Twin children walk out and wave their arms around. A juggler comes on stage but can’t keep anything in the air. People in the audience make unnecessarily dramatic sounds of disapproval.
But don’t worry, guys, the Bensons are here! They had a change of heart and turned their car right around and have come back to save the day. Annie and Charles show up backstage and Sam is like “what are you doing here?” “We’re here to help,” Charles Hallmarks.
Trish is here to help, too! Just as unhappy audience members begin to file out the back door, they are stopped in their tracks by the festive, rockin’ sound of Deck the Halls (10 minute version) (Taylor’s version). It’s our teenage rock band with Trish on lead vocals! Even though she literally just stepped out of the car, she is now wearing full makeup and a pair of reindeer antlers. The audience is instantly delighted. They chair dance. The song involves harmonies and a round. It receives a standing ovation. The mayor makes a thoughtful face.
There’s no stopping Nolan from pursuing his chosen life path, and he lets himself into Toy Town again, demanding that the bearded shop owner dress as Santa and appear at the pageant. “What did this town ever do for me?” the bearded man asks in reply. Nolan offers to pay him his allowance for the next month. The bearded man opens a cabinet to show Nolan the Santa costume that he, naturally, owns.
Back at the pageant, Sam and Annie learn that one of Sam’s dancers is a last minute no-show due to an injured knee. Annie will have to go on in her place! Who could have predicted this turn of events? The ladies take the stage, and dance. Poorly. Dressed as patchwork Christmas trees. The audience whistles and cheers. Trish, watching, is proud. “I didn’t know mom could still dance!” I mean…
As soon as the dancers have finished, Charles approaches the mayor’s seat. “I think I can help you,” he starts. But the mayor cuts him off, protesting sharply, “Not now! I can handle this!” Then the mayor gets up, leaves his seat, and climbs up onto the stage. He stares wordlessly at everyone, takes off his hat, and finally, after long silence, begins singing “We Wish You a Merry Christmas.” Because of course he does. Sam comes out on stage and joins him, followed by all the rest of the pageant performers. The audience joins in. Charles climbs on stage. Aaaaand here comes the bearded man, dressed as Santa, towing a bag of presents, accompanied by Nolan who is dressed as an elf. The first present Santa gives is to Nolan, because the cycle of abuse is powerful and abusers reap the spoils. It’s, of course, a toy train. “I’ll take good care of it,” Nolan lies, and the audience inexplicably applauds.
When the song is done, the mayor turns to the Bensons and says, “We’re gonna miss you guys.” Charles is like, not so fast; he announces “You’re going to be seeing more of us. I’ve arranged to get you the ski lodge loan.” The mayor, appropriately, asks why? Charles, with the quiet smugness of a true Christmas benefactor, says “Because these people deserve it.” He turns to the crowd and breaks it down: “Look, when I first came to this town, I thought it was finished. But then I got to know the people and I found that there’s so much more here.” The audience cheers, because yay, the Bensons own them now! Coleman cries. The bearded man starts everyone on another round of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas,” because what else is a captive Santa to do but sing.
Wonderful entertainment! Fabulous comedic writing!
ReplyDelete