Just in Time for Christmas

Vintage: Hallmark, 2015

Summary: Lindsay has to make a tough decision: stay in her small hometown and marry longtime beau Jason, or accept a once-in-a-lifetime job teaching at an Ivy League college thousands of miles away. Fortunately, a magical messenger gives her a priceless Christmastime gift: Lindsay is instantly transported three years into the future, so she’ll be able to make the decision today that will be best for her future.

Cast Member Prestige: You all aren’t ready: this movie has SHATNER.

Action:

Before we get started, I need you to know that I spent one American dollar and 99 American cents to watch this film, solely because the president of my workplace’s Board of Trustees, a brilliant retired educator and woman for whom I would walk over hot coals, texted me that she and her husband were watching it and having, and I quote, “a fine time.”

Our story opens on protagonist Lindsay, a psychology professor who is delivering a lecture in a dimly lit and overpopulated lecture hall. Lindsay’s blazer-over-jeans ensemble lets us know that she’s a Cool Professor, as does the collective chorus of disappointed moans that erupts from the class when Lindsay bids them farewell for the holiday break. After class, Lindsay heads to a coffee shop and makes out with the owner, her boyfriend Jason, who asks her to join him for dinner that night. He is nervous, and we get the impression that this date might be a significant one.

Turns out that Lindsay’s gotten that impression as well, as she stops by her mom’s house to talk it over. When Lindsay tells her mom where she and Jason are going – a restaurant called Gino’s – mom immediately jumps to conclusions: “That’s the most expensive place in town! He’s going to propose!” Lindsay is excited, and doesn’t know what to wear. Fortunately, her grandpa, Christopher Lloyd from Back to the Future in a truly bizarre casting choice, is at the house as well, and happens to have an early Christmas present on hand for Lindsay for no reason whatsoever. It’s a black velvet dress with pearls at the collar. Definitely an outfit for a professional academic woman and not, say, an American Girl doll named Samantha. Lindsay loves it and puts it on immediately.

On the way to Gino’s, Lindsay takes the world’s most hilarious phone call. It’s Dean Jackman calling, from Yale University! Ohhhh Yale, always with the constant unsolicited phone calls to random adjuncts during the holiday season. Dean Jackman was forwarded a copy of Lindsay’s thesis “from the university press” and is calling to offer to have it published. She also has an associate professorship that “just opened up in our Psych department” (haaaaaaaa) and she thinks Lindsay would be a good fit. She’d like to fly Lindsay to campus.

It’s like Academia: The Musical!

Lindsay arrives at Gino’s to find a sign on the door reading “Closed for a Private Party.” She makes a sad face, but wait! It turns out that SHE is the private party! A man who appears to be the chef lets Lindsay in and shows her to a fancy table where Jason is waiting for her with a homemade tribute video and, you guessed it, a proposal. Instead of joyfully saying yes, Lindsay runs outside, upset. Jason follows her, asking what’s wrong. Lindsay cries that she was just offered a job at Yale. Jason asks: “I don’t understand. You applied for a job without telling me?” And Lindsay replies [keep it together, my professor friends], “No, I didn’t. They just offered it to me.”

Jason responds with what I would say is the only natural response when one’s life partner is offered an unprompted dream job at the literal top tier of the professional field she’s just barely entered: “.....but… I just re-upped my lease on the coffee shop.” Then, rather than pulling out his phone, googling “coffee shops in Connecticut,” and preparing to move to New Haven with his hot shit fiance, Jason gives her the ring back, tells her she can sell it if she wants to, and walks away.

What? Why?

Bereft, Lindsay goes for a nighttime walk in some kind of downtown park. She takes a break on a park bench, and here is where SHIT GETS AWESOME, because all of a sudden there is a horse-drawn carriage appearing out of a misty clearing and people, I am not kidding when I tell you that this carriage is being driven by William Shatner. A bearded, magical William Shatner. Magical Shatner says “Oh hello. I was just taking Mistletoe back to the stable. I didn’t mean to disturb you.” Lindsay pets Mistletoe forlornly, causing Magical Shatner to opine: “You look like you could use a carriage ride.” Lindsay protests meekly but Magical Shatner says “it’ll be an adventure” and so she GETS IN. What a time to be alive.

Lindsay starts to tell Magical Shatner all about the rough night she’s having, but she’s interrupted by I guess what we are supposed to think is the Northern Lights. She hops out of the carriage to gape at them, and when she turns back around to talk to Magical Shatner the carriage is GONE.

Lindsay is confused and heads back to the parking lot, where her car is… missing. So she walks all the way back to town, winding up in front of a bookshop. In the bookshop window? Is a book with her name on it! Many copies of this book, in fact. It’s called Inspired, and apparently she wrote it, and it’s apparently in high demand. A bookshop employee sees her, shouts out “Welcome back to town, Professor Rogers!” Lindsay stumbles around, befuddled.

She heads across the street, seeing a giant, well-lit coffee shop. “Jason opened up a second shop?” she muses aloud. [Why…would that be your first assumption if you just saw him 10 minutes ago?] Lindsay goes inside and is greeted by a woman at the counter who does not look happy to see her. “What are you doing here, Lindsay?” she asks. Lindsay asks to talk to Jason, but the woman, Becca, says that he isn’t here. “He’s in Bellingham, opening up our third shop,” she says. “I don’t know what it is that you’re doing here, but it’s not amusing.” Lindsay leaves.

Next, Lindsay heads to her mom’s house, finding it dark and locked up. Her key doesn’t work in the door, so she starts banging on windows and yelling. A woman next door sticks her head outside and tells Lindsay to quiet down or she will call the police. “What’s the matter with you?” she barks. “Your mom’s been gone for 2 years. Where were you when she had her heart attack?”

Lindsay is beside herself. Finally, Grandpa Christopher Lloyd comes outside. “Lindsay, is that you? Are you my Christmas present? You should have told me you were coming,” he says, embracing her. Lindsay is all “Grandpa, I just saw you! You gave me this dress!” Grandpa squints at her. “Honey, are you ok? That was 3 years ago.”

Lindsay goes inside and sits by the fire with Grandpa. “I can’t believe mom’s dead,” she says with about the same amount of feeling as if she were saying “I can’t believe it’s Thursday.” But Grandpa is like: she’s not dead, silly! She had a heart attack, fell in love with her doctor, and now she lives with him in Sweden! Obviously! “How could you not remember?” Grandpa laughs. “Time travel?” HAAAAAA Grandpa that would be HILARIOUSLY FAR-FETCHED.

Next morning, Grandpa takes Lindsay to see a doctor, even though he warns that “having yourself committed might not be the best thing for a famous psychology professor.” Nice attitude, Grandpa. On the drive to the hospital, Grandpa spills the bad news that Jason is getting married to Becca, the coffee shop girl, over the holidays. Lindsay is sad but resigned.

At the hospital, Lindsay’s doctor looks at some scans and announces that there are no signs of trauma. He thinks Lindsay has something called dissociative amnesia, which can be temporary. He advises her to rest and then reevaluate.

After the appointment Lindsay goes for a walk in the Park Where it Happened. She tracks down a custodian and asks him to point her in the direction of the carriage rides. The custodian insists that he’s worked at the park for thirty years and there have never been any carriage rides. “But what of Magical Shatner?” Lindsay’s confused expression cries out.

She’s quickly distracted, though, by a Jason-sighting across the street. Jason sees her too and comes out of the coffee shop to talk to her. “I can’t believe you’re here,” he says. Lindsay congratulates him on his coffee shop success, and he in turn congratulates her on her “bestselling book.” He tells her about his upcoming nuptials, and they awkwardly hug.

Back at Grandpa’s house, Lindsay gets a call from Dean Jackman at Yale. “You’re supposed to be on the morning shows all this week,” she barks. “The university press can’t find you [why would they be looking?] and the faculty has no idea where you are [it’s the holidays, the faculty does not care].”

Are you guys ready for the best part? I hope you guys are ready for the best part.

Dean Jackman tells Lindsay, “the royalties from your book were just wired to your account.” Lindsay asks how much they were, these royalties from a just-published pop psychology book by a first time author and college professor. Hand to God, this woman says TWO MILLION DOLLARS.

Then the Dean asks Lindsay to go do a signing at a bookshop later that day. She’ll have a car and driver sent over. You know. As deans do.

Said car and driver show up, and of course it’s a limo driven by a besuited man who claims Lindsay’s book “changed his perspective on things.” Lindsay is just starting to climb in when here comes Jason, feeling bad about how he and Lindsay left things years ago and looking for “closure.” Lindsay invites him to come along to the signing, and they can talk on the way.

Inside the limo there is champagne, which I hear is standard for junior faculty these days. Lindsay and Jason rehash old wounds. Lindsay tells Jason he didn’t give her a chance to figure things out back when he proposed, which is 100% true. The car arrives at the bookstore, where the owner greets them and says there is a line around the block of people wanting to attend. Lindsay is nervous, but Jason gives her a pep talk.

Lindsay starts her signing with a Q&A, calling on Jason first. He asks a softball question about how her parents inspired her. Lindsay starts Ted-talking about kindness and loving unconditionally, then asks for more questions and literally every hand in the room goes up like Hermione Granger. Okay.

Afterwards, they leave, drinking champagne in the limo and toasting to their successes. Lindsay asks Jason if he’s happy, saying that’s all she ever wanted for him. Jason asks Lindsay if she is still single, insisting that “guys on the east coast are clearly crazy” when she replies in the affirmative. He puts his hand on her knee. They gaze at each other. Jason tells the limo driver to pull over and jumps out of the car. Lindsay follows him. She apologizes for hurting him, and for showing back up at an inopportune time. Jason looks distraught. He takes a phone call, and you think it’s going to be his fiance, but it’s actually… the plumber? Anticlimactic, Hallmark. Jason remembers that he was supposed to meet the plumber back at the coffee shop. They get in the limo and head there.

Later, after the plumber’s presumably been met, Lindsay and Jason talk about the shop, Jason waxing nostalgic about how much he loves the work and all his customers. “Life would have been an incredible adventure with you,” Lindsay tells him, moved. She starts to cry, he holds her face, and they have an Almost Kiss. “If I had asked you to come with me,” Lindsay asks, “what would our lives be now?” Jason responds, “I guess we’ll never know.” Shhhh, nobody tell him about Magical Shatner.

The next day. Lindsay bids farewell to Grandpa Christopher Lloyd and heads to the airport. “Maybe when you get home, it will all come back to you,” Grandpa says. Lindsay flies off to New Haven, eventually arriving at her home, an actual mansion. Hilarious. On a bookshelf is a framed photo of Lindsay with the Dalai Lama. Because of course there is. My husband is a college professor and we also have this photo on our mantel.

That night, at a fancy Christmas party, Lindsay stands forlornly near the appetizers. Dean Jackman approaches and tells her to cheer up. “I’m about to give you the best Christmas present you’ve ever gotten,” she says. “How does tenure sound?”

Well, it sounds like an exploitative and oppressive racket of a system, thanks for asking, oh wait, you’re just awarding it to me right here at this White People Party? OK WORKS FOR ME.

Just then, Lindsay's phone rings. It’s Mom, very much alive and calling from Sweden. Mom can tell something’s a little off, but Lindsay weakly insists that she’s ok. “What could be wrong?” she rhetorical questions. “I have everything I ever wanted. I’m so proud of all this, but I feel like I’m making a mistake.” Mom responds: “What have you always told me? An inspired life means being honest with yourself.”

Ok then! Lindsay flies back home to Grandpa’s house the next morning, on Christmas! Grandpa is all “You came back! What did you remember?” and Lindsay Hallmarks “I remembered what’s important!” She borrows Grandpa’s car and drives to the coffee shop. But when she gets there, the shop is closed and there is a sign on the door. “We just got married,” it reads. “See you after the honeymoon.”

You see where this is going, right? Lindsay sad-strolls herself right back over to the park, sits down on a bench, and lo and behold, here comes Magical Shatner. Lindsay glares at him but he is jolly. “I had a feeling I’d find you here tonight,” he chirps. They have the following amazing exchange:

Lindsay: Who are you?
Magical Shatner: Why don’t you think of me as someone who cares?
Lindsay: What did you do to me?
Magical Shatner: You look like someone who could use a carriage ride.
Lindsay: CLIMBS ABOARD

They ride, they see the Northern Lights, Lindsay pops out of the carriage to gaze up and announce, as if the thought has just occurred to her: “This is exactly what happened last time.” YOU DON’T SAY. She turns around to find that the carriage is gone, and this time she’s excited. She runs back to the parking lot where she finds her car and, inside it, the engagement ring from Jason.

Lindsay hightails it to the coffee shop, where Jason sits sulking over a glass of wine. Lindsay texts him to come to the door, and when he does he is greeted by the chef from Gino’s, along with a parade of waiters and food that Lindsay has quickly arranged. “Any success that I have won’t matter if I can’t share it with you,” Lindsay coos at him. She accepts his proposal. Jason asks her, “Do they have coffee shops at Yale?” Lindsay laughs and says they can look it up online, thereby LITERALLY rendering this entire movie and every one of its complications and plot points moot.

Then they get married. In his wedding vows, Jason vows to make Lindsay dark chocolate double espressos forever. Instead of throwing the bouquet, Lindsay patronizingly hands it to Becca, her husband’s alternate universe bride. They drive away in a limo and wave goodbye to Magical Shatner, who has parked his carriage on the lawn like an asshole.

The End